Noah is a splashing bore. I didn't expect it to be brilliant, but it was boring, absurd and joyless. The first thing I noticed were all the fabrics. Every character has a different weave, and style. Where did they order all these fabrics. And what designer created those "dreary-chic" fashions? I certainly didn't see one loom or needle. You would think somebody in the Noah family would be wearing an animal skin, but no. Then, of course, there were the nice haircuts and trimmed beards, never too thin, never too thick. How much belief are we supposed to suspend? The original Noah story is ridiculous enough, but Director, Darren Aronofsky, has taken it to new heights of incredulity. He even added laughable creatures called Watchers, which are clumsy giants made out of rocks with inner electric systems that light up their eyes like jack-o-lanterns. Jennifer Connelly looked anorexic, Russell Crowe looked overfed, and the rest of the family just looked confused. Oddly enough there was no speaking God, who must have really been a prick to curse the earth with such barren landscape and nothing but toil. He didn't even perform any interesting miracles. The only thing that came close was when Anthony Hopkins (Methuselah) made the barren Emma Watson fertile. (Why doesn't it bother devout Christians to know that according to their bible, we would all be products of rampant incest?) I will never understand how a company can spend millions of dollars, hire name actors and hundreds of extras enlist talents in every field, build sets, sew costumes, write a score and, one assumes, hire a talented scriptwriter, and then end up with 147 minutes of crap like this. To add insult to injury, this dull film featured two awful songs: one an insipid lullaby sung twice during the tedium, and the other a slow-moving melody tossed in over the closing credits in hopes of an Academy Award nomination. Good luck with that!
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