No Tannenbaum.

I haven't had a Christmas tree in over twenty years. I suppose it has something to do with living in Miami, where Christmas never feels as festive as it did up north or festive at all for that matter.  The fact that I don't really celebrate Christmas anymore probably has a lot to do with it. But last January I vowed I would celebrate this Christmas and I bought an artificial lighted tree at post-season savings. Last week I got it down from the garage loft and was all gung-about making this my first real Miami Christmas. The first problem was that the tree, which came in three parts, only lit up in two. The entire middle was dark, and search as I might I couldn't find another plug for those lights. When I consulted the instructions, I was informed that the State of California had determined that the coating on the wires was a carcinogen, and was advised to wash my hands carefully after each contact with the tree. Then, of course, I would need to buy ornaments and presents for my cancerous tree.  Since I never exchanged presents with anyone, including close friends, this posed a problem. Then of course my cats kept threatening to knock the tree over since they saw it as a new plaything. But I had all these problems resolved by December 10th. Because I took the tree apart, threw it in its box and put the box on the swale with the legend, "Free 7-Ft. lighted tree. Never been used." It was gone within an hour.