Intelligent Design? If you look at the maps representing the world during biblical times, you’re sure to be impressed with how small the known world was when Abraham was drooling over Hagar and Moses was getting ready to hightail it out of Egypt. Now when you consider how much yapping God was doing back then to Noah and Job and all those prophety types, you gotta wonder why he never mentioned that they were living the in the dustiest corners of a huge planet with all kinds of neat places that they would have loved to live if only God had mentioned them. Now it wasn’t like God didn’t know about these other places, after all he created them just as he created everything. But, no, he never even hinted that there was a huge world out there — not even to his gullible pal, Noah. Even after petulantly flooding the entire earth, he had the Noah family land on dreary old Mount Ararat, which wasn’t all the far from where they lived in the first place. I mean why not let the ark drift to what is now Waikiki or New York harbor? And if Noah did have two of every animal how did he explain to his still-dry neighbors where the hell he got all the animals that were not indigenous to his neighborhood, like the American buffalo or kangaroo — you know, critters from all the places God never even mentioned in passing? They couldn’t have been created later, because evolution is only a theory. So everything had to start with the ark — right? — including people. Which makes you wonder how did they repopulate the world without venturing into the sinful area of incest? Plus God told Noah he was flooding the world because it was so evil. I guess he thought the Noah clan would give him a fresh start. Then how come in no time at all, he totally loses control and Sodom and Gomorrah become the twin sin cities of the ancient world? Which meant of course, God destroying their cities ruining their fun and — because he was in such a pissy mood — turning Lot’s wife into a pillar of salt. What a God! When he wasn’t knocking down buildings like the Tower of Babel or creating seven-year famines, playing scoutmaster to the hordes of Jews fleeing for Pharaohville and doing parlor tricks like parting the Red Sea, he was getting all wrapped up in the soap opera affairs of couples like David and Bathsheba, Solomon and Sheba, and Samson and Delilah. I mean, wouldn’t you think with an entire earth to worry about he’d spend his time dealing with weather patterns and redesigning the Grand Canyon? But no. He was getting Jonah stuck in a whale, tossing Daniel into a lion’s den and playing mind games with Abraham, “If you really love me Abraham, you’ll kill your son. Oh, you will. I was only kidding.” I don’t know. As far as I’m concerned they can teach this Creationism stuff in our schools if they want, but frankly I think it’s going to backfire when the students start noticing that Mr. Creation wasn’t all that sharp after all.