Worth repeating.

The word is Halloween. Hallow is in shallow and callow, not as in hollow and follow. I don't know why so many people insist on saying Holloween, incuding many highly paid tv personalities.They don't put marshmollows in their cocoa. They don't watch movies where people are sent to the gollows. They don't say an anemic person's skin is sollow. And they don't make candles out of tollow. So stop saying Holloween. And while we're at it, this Christmas keep in mind that the old guy who delivers the presents is Santa Claus with a t, not Sanna Claus. See, they don't call me cranky for nothing.

OK, guys,let's go with Wizard.

Today, Wednesday, Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius testified before a key House committee. about the problems with the Obamacare rollout. Since the Republicans obviously didn't really give a fuck about the rollout, and only welcomed this as a chance to attack the president, they were, as usual, glib and sarcastic. Knowing that Ms. Sibelius is from Kansas, they thought they were incredibly witty coming up with lines like, "We're not in Kansas anymore."But instead of looking clever, they seemed petulant,  childish and incredibly unmanly. I would compare them with the Munchins, except the Munchins were sweet. I would compare them to The Wicked Witch of the West, but she had some power, which they don't. So, if they want to stick with the Wizard of Oz analogies, there is only one comparison that is completely and utterly apt for all these Republican creeps.

"Sorry, didn't know you were there."

There are a lot of pretentious people in the world. I have a particularly disrespect for bikers. Partly because so many of them who are are only biking a few miles get outfitted as if they were entering the Tour de France. But I admit that's my peculiar prejudice. What I really resent are the number of stupid bikers. These are the bikers who come up behind you while you're walking and pass you very closely, usually on the right. This they do without ever announcing their approach or providing so much as an "Excuse me".  Forget that age-old bicycle bell, that's not macho enough for a guy in a Spandex girdle. Why is this stupid? Because they have no idea that the person they are passing isn't about to make a wide armed descriptive gesture that will send them sailing right into oncoming traffic and, more than likely, certain death. I have no idea what the statistics are on bicycle deaths, but I would bet many are caused by this very act.

10,000 commercials too many.

One of the things that most irritates me in the world doesn't seem to bother anyone else. At least I never hear anyone complain about it seriously, though it affects their lives and their time on a daily basis. It is the excessive number of commercials on television. I'm convinced their are are far, far more  commercials on every station than are needed for the network to make a profit. What they want to do is make a killing. And to do that, they don't care how much they inconvenience you. For one thing you're paying for cable. Originally that was supposed to be your guarantee of commercial-free TV, but, sorry sucker, you are now watching far more commercials than were ever shown in the days of free broadcasting. The network executives think they can just keep barraging you with more and more commercials and you won't say a word. And they're right. So while they're rolling in money, tons of money, you're sitting there watching another unnecessary string of commercials—and paying a huge cable bill— when you could be enjoying your favorite programs with far fewer interruptions if you just complained, which you won't do. So, I'll continue to mutter and try to avoid watching commercial network programming and spend more time with HBO or other premium channels, who, by the way, also run far more commercials for their damn programming than they should considering you pay extra for their supposedly commercial-free channels.

I'm sure a lot of people have joined E-Harmony and met the love of their life. I'm also sure others have horror stories to tell. And I'm damned sure the statistics that the new commercial (which I cannot find on YouTube) is pure bullshit. To hear them tell it, you no sooner sign up for their expensive services than you're in love, married, or romping through fields of daisies with your soul mate. And this same thing goes for all these computer dating services. They are there to make big profits not motivated to keep you from being lonely as they suggest in their commercials.

Pickpockets.

If there is an immoral business, I would suggest that it's the Lottery. This is a money-making venture that attempts to convince persons that they have a chance of winning millions of dollars when their chances are less than minuscule. Because of this deception, millions of people squander their hard-earned money on tickets—many wisely with disposable income, but far more foolishly with rent and food money. Living in Florida, I see poor Cubans lined up every week to purchase Lotto tickets and scratch-offs that deplete the family funds and have little chance of winning. I'm not immune from this disease. I  personally have purchased the same number for 12 years, twice a week, every week. No great danger. I can afford to.  During all that time, I have hit three numbers eight times. That's how insane the odds are. Yet, I continue because I imagine my number coming in when I don't purchase it. That's how insane the thinking is. Bad enough for a semi-reasoned person like me. But there are the dirt-poor super-optimists who are convinced they're going to win, and the conscienceless Lottery Commission who is more than happy to tell them they will. Despicable. When Lotteries first began, it was not allowed to suggest on a commercial that the person won. That has changed. A current commercial, which is not yet on YouTube shows a man who has been frequently hit by lightning and has also won the jackpot in the Lottery. I consider this an obscenely deceptive commercial from a commission that has no morals at all.

Genuine fox of fake?

Do people who work at Fox know they're pushing fact-free propaganda? Are they intelligent and well-educated people who couldn't get jobs with legitimate networks and had to take work at Fox and thus had to toe the party line or lose their jobs? Or are they morons who willingly sought out work with this absurd network and believe all the crap they're shoveling every day? It's an interesting question. But what's the answer? When you look at the three people above, it is easy to believe they are as brain dead as they seem. It would be hard to fake that kind of vacuity. Though I suppose it's possible. Or is it? Can one actually fake the kind of shit-eating grin that's so often on Steve Doocy's face. When Fox employees get together for a drink, do they roar with laughter at the kind of nonsense they spewed that day? Or do they bemoan they fact that the learned part of America doesn't accept them as legitimate news persons when they feel they are? Do they really admire charlatans like Ted Cruz and Michele Bachmann or are they are repulsed as the rest of us? One wonders.

Maybe it means... Nah.

Sorry. I'm guessing this is very clever. It must be if they use two such distinguished actor as James Earl Jones and Malcom MacDowell. But I still don't get it.

Marcia

Twenty-three years ago I was in a restaurant in Los Angeles where I was living at the time. I don't recall the name of the restaurant, some chain like Denny's, but not Denny's. There was a line and in front of me was a woman with thick red hair. When I saw her face, I said facetiously, "If you're not Marcia Wallace, you should be." "I am. I am" she responded with charming glee. I was thrilled to meet someone who, to me, was famous since I had seen her so often in Boston on the Bob Newhart show. I was always a fan, so was thrilled to meet her in person. Over the next few years, I ran into her several times on the street, at the theater. I don't know at what point she got my address or why, but I received several photo Christmas cards from her taken with her son whom she adored. I often read that she was battling cancer, successfully it appeared. I was so sorry to hear that has just died, having lost that 30-year-battle. I am sure lots of people feel the loss of the talented Marcia Wallace. I was fortunate enough to meet her and will always remember her saying, "I am. I am."

Leaving well enough alone.

Supposedly when a male cat is fixed, it doesn't spray anymore. Not true. Skipper still sprays. Fortunately, I can track him down in time to clean up. But long ago I wasn't so lucky. He sprayed on a wall in the living room and I have never been able to completely get rid of the odor. So this week, I took a chance and bought a product called Scentsations. You add it to paint, preferably Benjamin Moore paint, and supposedly it creates an almost permanent deodorizer. I did as instructed and now there is a pleasant smell from the wall, but I can no longer enjoy it because whatever is in that stuff makes my eyes burn almost as soon as I enter the room. I could have lived with the kitty smell. I don't know what to do about this.

Really?

Okay, I never pretended to be a fashion maven. I have no interest in clothes and only own one tie and one ancient blazer, both of which I never wear. But I do make some claim on knowing what is attractive on other people, men and women. And with that claim, I firmly state that men look foppish and absurd in these new skinny suits They are not flattering, not mannish, and make any guy look like he borrowed his kid brother's suit to go to a party. Now I know they're trendy and men all over the country, or world, are slipping into these tight trousers, short-waisted and high-cuffed jackets and thin ties, and certainly appear to believe they look absolutely wonderful in them. And I am certain that clothing designers everywhere are delighted that they have finally gotten men to fall for the ever-changing fashions that they have pawned off on women for decades.

Very inneresting.

I like this commercial for one reason and hate it for another. I like it because it demonstrates how some people feel that damage is amusing until it happens to them. This spot is very well done and the young man's race to his car is amusing. What I hate about this commercial is what I hate about many commercials. The name of the company is Interstate. There is a t in the word. That t is pronounced.
Announcers cost money. They should at least earn it by having correct diction. Sadly this isn't an anomaly. Every commercial for this company mispronounces their name.

Note: Living in Florida, I am amazed at how rarely anyone pronounces the Intracoastal Waterway correctly. Even announcers, who should know better, say "innercoastal" not only is that a pathetic mispronunciation, but it would be a completely different type of waterway.

Note: Another leading company that has no respect for its own name is Enterprise Car Rental, which is
called ennaprize in all its commercials.

What a lying little slimey creep.

Recently this little worm stated that Obamacare is the kind of law that keeps parents awake nights wondering what terrible effect it will have on their future. The truth is that lots of parents will be able to finally sleep at night, know that their children will have affordable medical coverage for pre-existing conditions that previously left them rejected and in grave danger. Only a piss ant like Eric Cantor could tell such a shameful lie.

A vessel of vitriol.

One of the things that offends me the most is that the lazy and ignorant media are so willing to promote and quote persons who are obviously insane. A perfect example is Ted Nugent. This 65-year-old loon from Detroit had a successful career early in life. Then he lost his mind. Now he is filled with anger and hate, notably against President Obama who, for some reason, he has developed a major and paranoid animosity. We can only assume it is for the same reason most Republicans hate Obama: because he is black. That's all irrelevant. The point is that Ted Nugent is mentally disturbed. While he claims to be a very religious person, he is in fact violently anti-Christian and bigoted. That's a problem he and the people who still care about him have to deal with. But he is not a voice of reason and the media should stop quoting and featuring him on news items,  just as they should eschew the many other nutcases in our country who add nothing to the discussion except vitriol, which does nobody any good. And while Ann Coulter and Sarah Palin aren't exactly insane, they are, like Nugent, only interested in attacking our president and creating chaos. Why can't the media focus on persons who actually have something to offer? whatever their politics. I don't see how shining the spotlight on nutcases is of any value while persons with actual ideas are left in the shadows.

Though people tell me otherwise, my impression is that most singers today cannot sing. Or if they do, they have voices that are like a million other voices. Many of them give concerts. These concerts consist of a lot of production: fireworks, on-stage bands, exhibitionism, and lots of audience participation (translation: screaming). Why? Because their talent isn't enough.  Forgive me if I miss the days when a performer stood alone on a stage and commanded your admiration and respect for at least 90 minutes with a voice like no other. No fireworks, no audio-visual presentation, no gimmicks, just great songs and a great voice. Stars like Garland, Piaf, Torme, Sinatra, Martin, Horne, Laine,  and the incredible singer heard here: Charles Aznavour.

Note: I have chosen this song, "How Sad Venice Can Be" because it's my favorite. But if you are not familiar with Charles Aznavour, you owe it to yourself ot go to YouTube and see him perform some of his other famous songs, including "She" and "Yesterday When We Were Young." If you do, you'll see why audiences still flocked to hear this great singer even when he was well into sixties.

And the connection is....?

I find it impossible to believe that purveyors of pistachios got permission to use a classic film reference like Psycho. And even if they did, unlikely as that is, I fail to see what the hell this commercial has to do with pistachios. If there is a connection. Do most people open their pistachios with a carving knife? It totally eludes me as I don't see how it connects to Norman Bates or his mother. Not to mention that my appetite is not the least bit aroused by the connection between pistachio nuts and a bathtub drain.

Another hilarious car commercial. What pretension. What nonsense. What phony baloney rhetoric. "Made for Mankind"? Give me a break.  It's a car!

Estate vs. Estate.

HuffPost posts one of the year's nastiest and most unnecessary headlines: 

"The Fifth Estate' Flops With Year's Worst Opening Weekend"

This is the headline for a story in the HuffPost. But I am sure it is echoed in other publications. And it sucks. Because it's incredibly unfair. Just because a film is not successful in its first week does not mean it won't pick up business later. But unfortunately a bad opening has the lazy and ignorant media rushing out with death notices, suggesting that because the film did not reap massive returns it isn't really worth seeing. Thus any chance a good film has of making a sudden turnaround is destroyed by a petty and  pessimistic press. I am sure many a film has had a bad opening and later gone on to being a success. I am also sure this was probably before the fourth estate started publishing box office returns. When I was young movies were judged on how good they were. Nobody cared about box office returns. That came later. I am sure lots of films have bad openings because they're bad films. But not all. The media should absolutely be ashamed of themselves for being so quick to sabotage a product that hundreds of people have put their talents and hopes on.

Note: The Wolverine is just one of many films that had a bad opening and went on to reap millions
despite all the know-nothing critics who predicted failure.

Color me happy.

A while back I painted a small bathroom with Martha Stewart paint. It was one of the most arduous chores of my life. Since the paint was of such poor quality, it took me about three coats to get coverage and even then it wasn't consistent. When I complained to Home Depot, they commented that they had heard bad things before but didn't seem to have any interest in compensating me or apologizing for selling me the damn product. Today I painted a bedroom wall with Benjamin Moore paint. What a difference. Instant one-coat coverage. Perfect blending. No drip. I felt like the wall was painting itself. And to think I wanted to cheap out because Benjamin Moore paint is not a budget brand. But I assure you it is worth every penny. Consider this a rousing product endorsement and, no, I have no connection with the company.

Boo boo.

The word is Halloween. Hallow is in shallow and callow, not as in hollow and follow. I don't know why so many people insist on saying Holloween. They don't put marshmollows in their cocoa. They don't watch movies where people are sent to the gollows. They don't say an anemic person's skin is sollow. And they don't make candles out of tollow. So stop saying Holloween. And while we're at it, this Christmas keep in mind that the old guy who delivers the presents is Santa Claus with a t, not Sanna Claus. See, they don't call me cranky for nothing.

A shocking possibility.

It seems that Dick Cheney was watching Homeland when he realized, from the plot, that someone could hack into his pacemaker and kill him. This has left him feeling very anxious and vulnerable.
I can see why. Wouldn't that be just terrible if someone hacked into his pacemaker and caused this gentle old man to die, especially after he managed to a secure a heart transplant? I know that I for one would feel just awful if I heard that Dick Cheney passed away because somebody who felt he was a war criminal remotely short circuited his pacemaker. I tell you, I plan to pray every night that that does not happen.

Give me a break!

Until today I never heard of Ronan Farrow, supposedly the son or Mia Farrow and Woody Allen. The reason he is in the news right now is he is the host for an upcoming new daytime show on MSNBC. But an even more significant reason is that there are rumors that he may in fact be the son of Mia Farrow's first husband, Frank Sinatra. Now while I am not interested in media rumors, I am enough of a Sinatra fan to be delighted to know he has a son I hadn't know about. Is he Sinatra's son? Look at him. Do you really, for one moment, believe that Woody Allen is this person's father?  Wouldn't you consider it highly unlikely that a young man could look so much like a famous singing idol, who was once married to his mother, without there being any relation?  I'm sure that Ronan has his own excellent reasons for denying that Old Blue Eyes was his dad. But if he isn't, this is one of the most amazing coincidences I have seen.

A film to remember.

While there are many movies about the Titanic, there are only two that seem to get any attention. They are, of course, James Cameron's absurd 1997 soap opera, Titanic, and the brilliant 1958 British film, A Night to Remember, which recounts the tragedy with disturbing realism. The unfortunate thing is that every time a news item is shown about the sinking of this doomed ship, the lazy and ignorant networks drag out footage from the Cameron opus. Tonight there was a report on NBC nightly news about the auction of a violin last played on the great ship. The instrument sold for more than a million and a half dollars. Not a surprising amount when you consider how much interest is still generated by this 1912 tragedy. But while I was watching this clip and being annoyed at seeing it illustrated with a film I found absolutely ridiculous, NBC made another great blunder. They repeated he cliche that the orchestra was last playing "Nearer My God to Thee" as the ship went down. There is no reason to believe there is any truth in this popular and, frankly, corny rumor. Shame on NBC, It is more likely that the orchestra was playing a popular hymn at the time called "Autumn"

Note: If you've only seen (and liked) the 1997 film Titanic, you owe it to yourself to see a true depiction of that terrible April night in 1912 with the British masterpiece A Night to Remember.

Litter in our streets.

These people are so f-ing stupid, it's unbelievable.  Let's start with "Impeach Obama". For what? You can't impeach a president because he's black or because he won an election or because he's a thousand times smarter than you and that makes you angry. So, your demanding sign is completely irrelevant and moronic. Next "Respect our Vets". What the hell does that mean?  Obama is the president that ended the war in Iraq giving thousands of vets the chance to come home and stay alive. He and the Democrats have done much more to support our vets from all wars than the Republicans who keep screwing them out of medical coverage and any kind of subsistance. Ergo, this sign is just another asshole rant by a passal of rural and urban hillbillies who haven't a clue what they're babbling about.  And finally "Stand up for We the People". First of all as the blog My Cats are Democrats pointed out this is not only stupid but ungrammatical. Add to that it should read, "Stand up for us, a small minority of near-brain-dead racists who don't even come close to representing the people of the United States." But then there's just so much room on those posters.

A real king.

Didn't care for Disney's The Lion King, which I found manipulative, saccharine and racist. But I love this photo.

Now I've gotta have a Lexus.

Some of the funniest commercials on tv are meant, I think, to be taken seriously. Like this absurd spot.  I fail to see how this anemic runway escapee and her androgynous male counterpart generate any excitement for this car or each other. Surely they are not supposed to be people we would envy or—heaven forbid—desire. They are comical mannequins: she with her too-red lipstick and self-conscious whiteness. He with his prissy ponytail and studied stubble. This would be a better commercial for colored contact lenses than Lexus.

Note: Like a good friend of mine, I have played this commercial again and again and cannot make out the last line.

Cruz out of control.

I think this photo perfectly expresses the real Ted Cruz: goofy, idiotic, moronic, ditzy, dumb, and crazy as a loon.

"I want it both ways" Bachmann.

I don't get these rabid Christians like Michele Bachmann. They swear to be devout worshippers and seem to be all hot and bothered for the end of days. I suspect she already has her rapture wardrobe. At the same time they completely eschew the teachings of Christ and fight like crazy to make sure that the hungry don't get fed and the homeless don't get homes. She was delighted with the shutdown of the goverment and eagerly accepted her paycheck while thousands went without their salaries. Didn't bother her a bit. What did bother her was when the government reopened. She called it "a very sad day". The part that confuses me the most is this: If the government reopened, isn't that, like everything, god's will? So why does such a devout Christian as Michele have a problem with it? 

Note: This photo reveals a talent of Michele's that I assure you she never had to display for Marcus. 

Sounding off.

Who decided that every waking moment of our public life has to be scored? I was just kept waiting for a bank officer and had to listen to loud, strident, elevator music. But I have to listen to someone else's choice of music everywhere I go. At Starbucks, on the trolley, at every restaurant, lounge and bar, even at Barnes & Nobles, which is one of the worst offenders. There are hundreds of kinds of music. Who has the right to decide what I must listen to? I don't like rock, rap, or jazz, but those are the predominant sounds that offend my ears almost everywhere I go. I'm never in danger of having to listen to classical music, not when there are rock songs sung by talentless sound-alikes often with a single lyric line repeated more than twenty times. Okay, millions love rock and roll. More power to them. I can't stand it. But I don't force those who love it to listen to opera or America's songbook. Why am I forced to listen to music I find jarring, tuneless and unpleasant? It's not a free country when you are forced to be constantly exposed to someone else's choice of what you must listen to. Another aspect of this problem is that Americans are being denied the one thing that is sure to make them smarter, happier, and more well-adjusted: Silence.

Oh, no. Not another one!

This gimmick is being used in about forty commercials and I, for one, find it boring and tiresome

A Capitol Romance

You have to sympathize with these guys. First of all they have to go home and tell their wives about their love for each other. They have explain how they never meant it to happen, but while they were screwing America they exchanged that look that said it all. And who can blame them? They were so often in each other's company, each other's fascinating compatible company?  And all that talk about man-on-man sex. It would have aroused anybody. Harder than telling the wives, will be explaining it to their fellow congressmen, especially the ones who are so anti-gay. And what will Lindsey say?  Why did he keep that door so tightly shut when these two were going to be so blatant? Now should Lindsey confess his passion to John, or still suffer in silence? Ah, yes, these two have opened a can of worms, a Pandora's box. Congress will never be the same.

Poor JB.

This is what alcoholism does to a face that's only 64. Still it could be a nice enough face if it weren't so devoid of emotion, compassion, intelligence, fairness, and honesty. This is the face of a man who is holding American hostage, who is collecting his full paycheck and enjoying all the perks of office while he denies hundreds of thousands of Americans anything approaching his privileges. This is the deceitful, hollow-eyed face of an empty man.

Not Crazy about it.

I see where CBS is promoting The Crazy Ones as the number one new comedy on tv. I find this amazing since I just watched Episode One, or at least 15 minutes of it, and found it unbearable. But I'm not being fair because to like this show you would have to like Robin Williams and I can't stand his manic humor and never could. Of course I could fault the show for being thoroughly unbelievable. For some reason—with the exception of Mad Men—shows about ad agencies are never true to life. I say this having worked for at least a dozen agencies over 40 years. During that time I met many talented writers and art directors, but I met far more who were rarely creative and never original. But I didn't meet anyone like the characters on The Crazy Ones. Of course I only saw 15 minutes of Episode One. That's nothing to judge by. Possibly the show is excellent and deserves Number One status. I will never know because, like I say, I have a very, very low Robin Williams tolerance level.

So much for honest cops.

Yet another in the endless line of unimaginative commercials in which one person lies and betrays a friend or coworker in order to take something which they have. It's interesting that so many agencies and companies think this kind of scenario is amusing. I don't know whether these commercials are a result of a complete lack of creativity or just a dearth or morals.

Pseudo-American.

There's a word for Sarah Palin. It's not a word you hear very much because it is such a terrible thing to be called. A lot of people would say you shouldn't use this word. It's such an accusation. It's such an
ugly word. But it's the only word that completely describes what Sarah Palin is and what she continues to be. And while many people may say to me, "That's a terrible thing to say." I maintain that it is completely accurate based on her behavior, her attacks on our president, her bigotry, her deceit, and her complete lack of integrity. So while the word may offend your sensibilities, it complete describes what she is: traitor.

And there you have it.

So many Republicans are very sad people. They can't debate or engage in intelligent conversation. They can't admit why they are so angry. They can only attack and create absurd scenarios. They can only toss around hollow epithets like Nazi and Socialist and Communist. Ask them for a definition of any one of those terms and they are lost. Their hatred of Obama consumes them without any justification other than he's half black. From the beginning these sad little trolls felt that using the name Barry was somehow ammunition. What silly twits. Then of course, there was the birther nonsense. When that failed, they went back to the playground to devise some other bullying tactic. They decided they could punish Obama by punishing the country. Which is what they are doing right now. That's how uncontrollable their bigotry is. One of my neighbors is a perfect example of these idiots, a woman so stupid she commented to another neighbor who just got a haircut, "You were beginning to look like Michelle Obama". Of course even before the haircut he looked nothing like Michelle Obama, but this harridan is so filled with hatred that she can't even stop herself from making nasty non-sequiturs. Like I say, sad people.

Laudable, laughable Lauren.

Though PBS claims to have no commercials, they do have a few. They promote Rhine River cruises and every Sunday night I see this Ralph Lauren commercial or others like it several times. The interesting thing about such commercials is that they are at once elegant and stylish and at the same time utterly ridiculous. Truly these beautiful women with their stoical expressions are absurd mannequins looking comically stylish in fashions nobody actually wears. Am I being unkind? Tell me that a woman in a strapless evening gown and top hat sitting sidesaddle on a horse isn't laughable. Go ahead, tell me!

And you haven't ordered this book because...?

How do you even have the courage to go out to lunch without being armed with our book  The Compleat Book of Lunch, which is available from The Book Patch for $19.99. It's a lot to pay, but it will save you all kinds of money in treating freeloaders to lunch. paying more than your share or doing something incredibly gauche which you will never live down.  It has all kinds of tips on the proper etiquette at every kind of lunch. Plus it has more than 50 hilarious illustrations by artist Pat Longan. Want a great tip? Place your order today.

Shake hands with the devil.

One of the main reasons America is in such a mess these days is this gross blob, Antonin Scalia. Bad enough we know that he's a biased right wing bigot who helped shove Bush Light into office and thus killed thousands of Americans and countless others. But now we find out he's such an ignorant, superstitious, bible-thumping clod that he actually believes that Satan exists and, get this, walks among us. The Supreme Court used to stand for something. No any more. Not with the likes of Scalia the Hutt and Long Dong Silver, Clarence Thomas, who isn't qualified for small claims court in Alabama much less the Supreme Court of the United States. Maybe Scalia wants to believe Satan exists because he knows he would be among Satan's most admired disciples.

One of these animals is not needed.

I jusr saw a show called The World's Funniest Animal Commercials featuring an insipid host, John Henson, whom I hope is no relation to the creator of the Muppets. There were several things I hated about this show, none of which were the commercials. Most of the commercials were funny and some were very clever. What this show, and all the shows like this,  do not need is a host. Just show the damned commercials, one after another. Viewers do not need some boring commentary which adds nothing to the entertainment factor and is just something you have to get through. The other thing I hated was Henson referring to a chimpanzee as a monkey.  This error always annoys the hell out of me. A chimp is an ape, not a monkey, and anyone who thinks otherwise sounds ignorant, like the boring John Henson.

Note: This applies double for It Only Hurts When I Laugh, a show that would funny if you could just watch the clips, but becomes torment when you have to listen to the juvenile, apparently sex-starved narrator.

After 17 phone calls, mostly hangups and disconnects, I finally have e-mail back. Of course I don't have group e-mail, which was the problem in the first place. And my partner didn't have e-mail. I called them again today (18th call) and text chatted with a woman in India. At a certain point, she called me and told me to close all my computer windows. I said, "Shall I shut off the computer." She answered, "Yes, shut off the computer." I did.  And when I asked her what to do next, she was gone, like so many others, never to call again. Fortunately, Comcast, has one intelligent technician, only one, and he quickly answered all my questions and got me up and running, sort of. I actually called A T &  T to switch service, but then decided that wouldn't be any better and they want you to sign a two-year contract, which I am not about to do.

Note: I am not saying that American phone personnel would do a better job than Indians (who are very charming) but it would be nice to see jobs coming back to the United States.

Acting up.

It's fascinating how some people can be excellent actors yet completely idiotic human beings. I'm speaking of James Woods at the moment, an actor who has turned in excellent performances in countless films, including The Onion Field, Once Upon a Time in America, Casino and my favorite Woods film The Boost, in which his co-star was one-time lover Sean Young, whom he complains used to beat him up. Maybe she hit him over the head too often. That could explain his completely unjustified hatred of President Obama and his tasteless and irrational twitters.Of course he was born in Utah, where the atmosphere leads to all kinds of paranoia. Oh, well, despite the fact that man is obviously an idiot and, more than likely, a racist, I will continue to enjoy his acting and try to forget he's also a nut.

I know how Sysyphus felt.

My doctor recently lowered my blood-pressured medicine. But he didn't know that I would be dealing with Comcast, the world's most incompetent company. I lost my e-mail service three days ago for no apparent reason. Since then I have called Comcast at least 15 times with no success, but lots and lots of repeated questions, and transfers.  and hang-ups, and disconnects. Today I tried again. I spoke with a "technician" in the Philippines for 20 minutes. She assured me she could fix the problem. When she couldn't she transferred me to Daniel in who knows where. He asked me the same maddening questions for 15 minutes and charged me $49.95 to fix the problem, or at least connect me to someone who could. That  turned out to be Michael, a charming chap in Phoenix who said we would only be on the phone a short time. 45 minutes later, he assured me the situation was fixed and it appeared to be, though he was not able to restore to me the more than 15 e-mails I know I received during the outage. We hung up with the sense that all was well, and after all, I had his direct number if anything went wrong. And it did. When I went back to write some e-mails, I found that now, not only couldn't I receive them, I couldn't send them either. And, golly, the direct e-mail he gave me was Comcast's regular pain-in-the-ass number. So now I have no e-mail service, cannot retrieve the important e-mails that are lost in the ether and am paying $49.95 for nothing and cannot get a credit without once again going through the call and wait, and wait, and wait of Comcast service.

Note: For a crime against the gods, Sysyphus was condemned to an eternity of frustrating labor. His punishment was to roll a great boulder to the top of a hill. Then after the greatest of exertion and toil, he would attain the summit only to have the boulder roll to the bottom again.  Sounds difficult, but it was nothing compared to dealing with Comcast.

No they don't.

This is the fourth day, I have not had my Comcast e-mail, which just suddenly disappeared. I have made at least seven calls to Comcast, all futile. The company is completed incompetent and doesn't seem to have a clue why I lost my e-mail and how to restore it. It's frightening when you realize that such a clueless company handles so many customers. In the meantime, I am aware that I have dozens of e-mails lost somewhere in the ether and a server that has no idea how to find them for me.

I haven't got a clue as to why this huge baby is in this Nationwide ad.

Imagine if Edison
Had studied medicine.

Comcast bombast

I, and many other Comcast users have been without e-mail for several days. When I call Comcast, they don't seem to have a clue how to restore it. They ask as million questions and insist that I am a valuable customer and they are doing everything possible to help. Some of their "technicians" deny there is a widespread outage of e-mail, and this morning one of them hung up on me when he couldn't solve the problem. In our area, we only have a choice of Comcast or A T & T, which is basically a Hobson's Choice or no choice at all.

This commercial is annoying on several levels. First of all I object to the stereotypical African-American woman, an offensive cliche too often used by advertisers. Secondly, she asks Flo, whom she didn't know, "is this what you gave to my husband." Flo answers yes. How did you she know who the woman's husband was? Did she only have one African-American customer?  Did she assume the woman could only be married to an African-American man. Not well thought-out.

Killlers are hilarious.

Another lousy commercial from Ally. Apparently they think that the mafia is funny, that a child having a deceitful criminal father who murders people and buries them is a subject for comedy. Who is the agency for these childish and tasteless commercials?

Another Ally mishap.

Ally Bank, as I have said in the past, has some of the worst commercials on tv. Pity because years ago, they had some very creative spots about hoodwinked children. But lately, one wonders what back alley ad agency they are using. This new spot is particularly offensive. First because it is so unoriginal. There are dozens of commercials showing persons trying something new which goes wrong. But worse, I hate this spot as I detest any spot that seems to think that harming an animal is amusing.  The idea that the cat was rammed by an out-of-control vacuum is not funny and only reflects the sadistic stupidity of the creative team. I recommend to Ally what I have before. Find another agency!

Not another improvement!!!

While I was on vacation, Comcast updated my e-mail. Which means that now it's more complicated and some aspects don't work at all.  For instance, I am unable to send a group e-mail, though I have a 40-name party invitation I am trying to send. Today I spent several headache-inducing  hours on the phone with various divisions of Comcast, all of whom asked the same questions. They finally sent me to some other division, which took so long to answer I finally gave up. Nothing annoys me more than a costly service which requires constant attention because it doesn't deliver what it promises. In short, Comcast.

While I can't find it on YouTube, there is a new Cigna commercial using this same visual in which the voice-over proclaims, "Now there's a health company that can help you stay that way." What a completely illiterate and illogical statement. Doesn't anybody ever read the copy before they spend a fortune producing a commercial and putting their ignorance on the air?

"Thanks, but no thanks."

The City of Miami has, for some reason, just introduced free trolley service along the popular Coral Way route from downtown to the Miracle Mile in Coral Gables. I don't understand why they want to give up the thousands of daily $2.00 fees from commuters, but there must be a reason. At my age, I get free service anyway, so this means nothing to me. In fact, it's a bad thing. Because while the transit busses are music-free, the trolleys allow the drivers to play any music they like. So if you hop aboard, don't plan on reading or settling any logistics problems because you will be subject to loud rap music, ear-shattering rock and roll, and hispanic talk stations. I not only don't speak the language but have no interest in any talk station. I called the number on the glossy card they handed out to introduce this new service and the message I got was this: "Sorry, but the number you called is no longer in service." This reminds me of the city's old slogan, "Once you call it home. It gets even better."

Ah, the poisons we purchase!

Lately I've wasted a lot of money on chemical products. Why wasted?  Because when it comes time to using them, I can't do it. I realize that everything they sell us today is one form of poison or another. Do not ingest. Avoid contact with eyes. Harmful if swallowed. Make sure the room is properly ventilated.  Call your doctor if vomiting occurs. It's insane the risks we take for a cleaner, shinier, insect-free home. The dangers may not be all that great for me, but I have cats and have had dogs. Keep out or reach of pets. They could cross the floor, pick up poison, lick their paws. Well, you see the problem. Of course none of these companies much care what damage they do to consumers. The sale is the thing. So underneath my sink are full containers of  furniture polish, floor cleaner, brass polish, glues, cements, mucilages, and insect repellents—all deadly. Why do I keep them? To remind myself how stupid I was to buy them in the first place.

Prediction:

The next James Bond will be Barry Sloane.  Since this has not been suggested by anyone, I want credit when the time comes.

Put down that tray.

One of the habits of modern Americans that drives me wild is their willingness to perform inappropriate chores for high-priced businesses. Specifically, I am referring to their bussing their own tables after having a meal.  Don't get me wrong. I approve of doing this when the restaurant is a fast-food establishment with reasonable prices, or any restaurant with reasonable prices. Having to hire less maintenance help keeps the prices low. But one does not clean up after dining in an establishment that charges high prices, even if they do have a dozen well-placed trash bins. I noticed this recently at Disney World, where the prices are outrageously high, despite being a paper cup and foam outlet. Yet the ripped-off customers still robotically clean up after themselves. What's next: washing the dishes and mopping the floor?

A bad taste of Tinseltown.

Years ago when we moved to Los Angeles, my partner got a talent agent at the prestigious Artists Agency with his very first screenplay. This is an amazing achievement. As excited as the agent was about the first screenplay, he became even more enthusiastic about the second one and quickly got two film offers. Naturally we thought this meant imminent success, especially since the agent sent my partner around to several famous producers who had heard about his unique writing skills. In the meantime we were living on savings. Sadly nothing came of either offer because the agent was incompetent and soon screwed up all our opportunities for success. Since we were running out of money, we had to abandon dreams of Hollywood and move back to Miami. Today, we have a wealth of excellent screenplays and stage plays, but are unable to find an agent to even read them. For some reason talent agencies are the most tight-assed and neurotic of companies. They are terrified to even receive unrequested letters. I just placed a call to a Hollywood agency hoping to at least speak to someone. The young lady on the phone could not have sounded more terrified of hearing from me again than if I told her I was the Beverly Hills strangler. Why am I writing this?  Just to point out that all over American there are very talented writers, like my partner, who cannot even get a foot in the door because they don't have the right friends or connections. Which is one of the reasons so much of our entertainment today is committee-written crap.

It's hard to accept, but advertising agencies often guide our nation's morality. This commercial, for instance, by an unimaginative creative team, reminds us that Americans seem too think that cheating and bribing and not winning honestly are cause for amusement. It seems like a petty carp on my part, but it bothers me that so many commercials depend on the dishonesty of their characters to promote the product.

You'll see what a good idea this is.

This week I lost a relatively new pair of prescription sunglasses. I have no idea how I could have done that, but I'm pretty sure they're gone forever. Even if some thoughtful person found them, how would they now how to return them? Which got me thinking. There was a time when prescription glasses were sanely priced. Then, like most products,the merchants of greed realize they could demand more and get it. So now glasses cost anywhere from $300 to $700 on average. Of course, some companies advertise two pairs for under $100, or some other appealing figure. Yeah, right! But once you're in their web, they ask would you like them to be unbreakable? have thin lenses? be tinted? have that fabulous new optic process? not look like crap? etc. And voila! You've spent a fortune. So my question is this: Why don't optical companies engrave your telephone number into the ear piece (also called "arm" or "temple") you know, right next to the Calvin Klein or Oakley label. Then when you misplace this major investment, you just might just get it back. Of course, if this idea does catch on, expect them to charge you an extra $75.00 for the 5-minute service.

Riding God's gravy train.

I don't question that there are a lot of sincere Christians in America. But none of them are riding God's gravy train and raking in millions of dollars on the religious beliefs of all those who buy all this biblical nonsense. Every televangelist is a fraud  including  the much revered Billy Graham, probably the biggest charlatan of all. The most annoying fact about those who call themselves Christians is that they seem to have so little understanding of the book they love to quote. Like lemmings they show up at megachurches to give their hard-earned money to these flim-flam men and women. Jesus would have been appalled by anyone being chauffeured in a limousine while children are starving. He would have been sickened by ministers in thousand-dollar suits while the nation has so many homeless shelters. The obviously anti-Christ philosophies of these con artists seem to totally elude millions of the so-called faithful who tune into faith-based tv shows, shell out tons of money for bullshit books, and applaud wildly for the pious patricians who mostly pay lip service to those in need. I know I repeat this theme frequently. That's because it is so unbelievably obscene.

Note: How can anyone even look at Joel Osteen (above) without realizing this phony doesn't possess an an ounce of sincerity?  He's a megalomaniac who basks in the adoration of the ignorant. To him religion is a business, his worshippers are suckers, and I wouldn't be a bit surprised to find out he's an atheist. However, being an atheist, that wouldn't please me. Sadly he's just one of the many, many, grifters who have realized how profitable religion can be.

"Be a patriot? I would prefer not to."

America is in a very bad place. We have put power in the hands of an cowardly alcoholic and a group of Republicans who are as devoted to their jobs as Bartleby the Scrivener.

I just can't see it.

I see they are remaking Carrie, as it happens for the second time. Which leads to this question: Why? Why do they keep remaking good and great movies. I am not even a Stephen King fan and consider Carrie to be an excellent Gothic horror. Why remake it?  You won't find a Carrie as frightening and powerful as Sissy Spacek. You'll never cast a mother as hateful and annoyingly fanatic as as Piper Laurie. So, there's just no way this new Carrie will out-horror the original. Why doesn't Hollywood remake movies in which the original stank, like Camelot or Finian's Rainbow Ivanhoe  or Forever Amber? No.  Instead they remake classic superior-quality films like Raisin in the Sun, The Manchurian Candidate, and Psycho. All fabulous originals, and lousy remakes. The arrogance of these directors who feel they can improve on perfection. Yes, they may have some success at the box office because most people know very little about film history. But they are ultimately a waste of time and money. And what makes them even more detestable is that these crappy remakes are what will be shown on regular tv while the superb originals are kept hidden from viewers as if they never existed.