Tonight while my partner Peter was watching the news, our country's village idiot Boehner was saying that Obama wasn't successful like Romney. Why? Obviously because he doesn't have the millions that Mitt has in stocks, bonds, Swiss banks accounts, Grand Cayman Island, etc.  Insane, of course, but that's Boehner. Anyway, Peter said that he is bothered that the word successful has become associated with money and feels the news should distinguish the word successful when giving a report. They should clarify that a person is artistically successfully, spiritually successful, charitably successful, etc. and stop equating the word successful with money and only money. I agree. Using  Boehner's standards, that hack painter Van Gogh was a complete loser.

The horror of improvements.

Every time someone tells you they have improved something, it's more likely than not they have made it worse. This blog, for instance, was very easy to use yesterday. But now they have improved it, which means it's far more complicated and very difficult to use. Elecric irons have been improved, which means they cost about five times what they used to and are never as hot. Every time my computer is updated, I lose some really neat feature that has been deemed obsolete. I used to be able to number pages on manuscripts with the feature that said "number pages". Now there is nothing that says anything like that and I haven't a clue how to number pages. When I wrote a post I used to click the ABC at the top of this page and it would reveal all my typos and show me the correct spellings. Now when I click ABC, nothing happens. Well actually, the word "strike" appears after the text. I have no idea what that means. Mattresses have been improved. Now they are about four feet thick and you have to buy specialized sheets that cost eight times as much as those old fashioned-sheets that fit those old-fashioned mattresses. Plus if you are over 50, you wil not have the energy necessary to make the bed. I'm sure you can think of lots of things that have been improved to their detriment. Now I'm going to click the ABC button again. If there are typos on this post, it's because it dint work.

Santa and god.

Imagine if you met an 18-year-old, a student at a college say, very charming, very bright. But he told you, during your conversation, that he believed in Santa Claus. He was convinced that every Christmas Eve, St. Nicholas loads up his sleigh with toys, lines up his reindeers and travels all around the world delivering gifts to children everywhere who wrote their requests to him care of The North Pole. You would think that person was a little bit deranged and lose all faith in whatever intelligence you credited him with. But frankly, I don't see any difference between that and the equally absurd belief that there is an unseen god someplace who knows everything you're doing and actually gives a damn. On a planet with billions of people, the idea that someone is always there to listen to and evaluate your insignificant prayers to me is an insane concept. I find it astonishing that after a tornado in which dozens of people, including children, are killed that so many people will thank god for sparing their lives even as they stand in the ruins of their home which,according to them, must have been destroyed by you know who. This is madness far beyond thinking there is a white-bearded old man with a flying sleigh. No wonder so many people don't believe in evolution. It's because despite all our achievements we haven't yet evolved beyond this most widespread and illogical of superstitions.

The Wicked Witch of the West.










And the Wicked West of the Which
stupid thing should I say next?

Yuck!

One of my most hated grammatical errors is any variation of the expression, "I wish I would have known." My detestation of this misuse has caused me to be labelled as a grammar Nazi and I don't care. It drives me mad. Twenty years ago only the most illiterate persons would use such an expression. Today it is epidemic. It is used by supposedly educated people and even newscasters. Recently I saw it used on a United States Post Office commercial. I tried to find that commercial to put on this blog with no luck at all. But I was surprised at how many things popped up on Google just by typing, "I wish I would have known."

Rule:
When talking about something that did not happen in the past, you can't use the conditional perfect (if I would have). You must use the past perfect (if I had). Correct:" If I had known that you were at the party,I would have gone."Incorrect:" If I would have known that you were at the party, I would have gone" The same is true if you toss a wish in there. "I wish I had gone", not "I wish I would have gone". But then I can't imagine why any literate person needs to have this explained to them. Your ear should tell you how offensively wrong, "If I would have..." is.

This campaign needs reinventing.

This is one of those campaigns that I think is a total waste of money. it's some creative team's idea of a great concept, but it actually lacks any meaning at all. What are these reinvented things? Completely bizarre versions of familiar things. Is the new Camry a bizarre reinvention? Is is anything like the past? And, if not, does that mean that it wasn't something people wanted. And if it's reinvented, how? In what way? Don't tell us about a poopless baby; tell us why we should buy the Camry. Or does this mean that nobody wanted the Camry so we completely changed it. I don't get this campaign at all. I'm sure lots of viewers will think it's clever or funny without ever realizing it doesn't tell them a damn thing about the car. By the way, the music is about as trite and overused as anything on television. What agency came up with this absurd campaign?

My most hated commercials.

There must be people who like these commercials since there are so many of them. I can't imagine why. I find this singer repulsive, the songs insipid, and the campaign intolerable. I hate even putting this up, but I had to show you the object of my greatest detestation. I either mute or change channels every time one of these nauseating commercials comes on, which is far, far, too often. What is it that bothers me so. For one thing I've heard that this company is a bit of scam. That's bothersome enough. But I think what really irritates me is how confident this person is in his own mediocrity and how rich he is probably getting from these commercials while really talented singers are out looking for work.

Note: For the hell of it, I looked up this series on Google. It seems many others hate these commercials as much as I do and several were quick to point out that this particular commercial isn't even accurate. Another poster was quick to remind us that this is a scam and not a free free report at all.

Great slogan. Lousy coffee.

Forgettting the fact that I am not a fan of Maxwell House coffee and haven't been since it sponsored Mama in the 50s, I don't understand this commercial. For starters, let's go to the end. What does he mean about letting gravity do the work? And if you want to sell coffee, why wouldn't you want to sell it for a French press as well as a percolator or dripuplator? And who is this strange guy supposed to be? Hardly the connoisseur type. If there is logic to this commercial, I wish someone would explain it to me.

Publix "Head of the Table" Thanksgiving Commercial

I'm as sentimental as the next guy. Sure I cry at It's a Wonderful Life and The Best Years of our Lives and all those coming-home films. But there is something about Publix commercials that seems so manipulative, insipid and fake. I tried the find the newest one with the oh-so-loving brother and sister, but it wasn't on YouTube. I don't know what it is. The people look right ,the setting is nice, the words are fine. But the damn thing just doesn't feel real. Maybe because everything is so perfect and everybody so properous and well-dressed. Or maybe it's because these commercials are segregated and it reminds me that people are still segregaed. Or maybe I'm just cynical.

Honest Trailers: Titanic

As someone who thinks that Titanic is a perfect horrible movie, this trailer amuses the hell out of me. I am sure many of my readers (I think I have six) will find my attack on this film offensive. But please let me have my way. This is so funny. And you don't have to watch.

These are my peers?

At 69, I have never driven a car, never been to a sporting event and, until now, never be called to jury duty. As a fan of true crime books, I have been to hundreds of trials on paper, but tomorrow will be the first time I may get to see one in person. Of course it may not be all that interesting. I am used to murders of passion, murders for hire, patricide, matricide, fratricide and every other kind of -cide. I may not even get called in which I case I will still have a perfect record of never serving on a jury. And since I will turn 70 in July, I am no longer required to do so. Am I looking forward to it? I would be if it were like in the movies. But I am told by friends in Miami that those called to jury duty here are also treated like criminals and ordered around as if they were guilty of something. Still it will be interesting.

God bless Scamerica!

The new route to success in America is to be a scam artist. If you're successful enough at a fraud, you're likely to get rich since American producers seem to be especially enthusiastic about frauds, charlatans and snake-oil salesmen. Religion seems to hold the top place in the sucker trade. How many shows are on the tv featuring a man or woman who rants and raves about what god wants and how you're going to hell unless you provide it. Despite being an atheist, I don't doubt that there are sincere believers throughout America, but they are not the send-me-your-money creeps you find on these programs. Jim Bakker proved that. Religious books are another major scam. The winner in recent years is, of course, Heaven is for Real. I glanced at it in a book store just yesterday and had a revelation. In the section I read, Reverend (hah!) Burpo was wondering how he could pay his high medical bills. Obviously he found the solution: a fake tourist guide to heaven by his malleable 4-year-old. Now I am sure he is rolling in money and feels no shame at all for his scam. In fact, he's thrilled—they're making his fantasy book into a movie. The most recent religious scam is somewhere in Texas (where else?) where another preacher-man has gotten these three hot babes to join him in performing fake exorcisms. Now in the old days grifters like him would have been run out of town. But not today; He's getting a reality show. Of course, some American men won't know whether they're tuning in for the fake exorcisms or the sexy redhead. But aside from religion, they are weight frauds, elixir frauds, muscle frauds, and frauds to improve your memory, cure your addition,and make you more popular. And while honest people work hard, pay their bills and tell the truth, these money-grubbing liars are getting rich. It kind makes you wonder.