Do you know what acid reflux feels like?

This complaint isn't so much about the commercials as the product. I feel certain that one of these days there will be a special bulletin about how dangerous this drink is. When I was in Boston this winter, they were handing them out on the street. The young lady gave me two. After just one, I didn't feel a surge of energy, just a major case of heartburn which lasted two full days. Later in the trip, I stupidly took the other bottle, assuming that that first attack was just a coincidence. But no, miserable again. I would say it's just me but other friends have complained of heartburn, headaches, and just the opposite of this elixirs intended use:lethargy. Mark my words, these so-called energy drinks are in for a speedy recall one of these days.

Road House (1948) - Ida Lupino singing "One For My Baby"

Why did I include this? Because I like it so damn much. Because singers with great voices aren't always the best choice to put across a song. The Ida Lupino version of The Harold Arlen/Johnny Mercer song, "One for my Baby" is considered one of the greatest singing scenes in movie history. That's pretty high praise for a song that's been sung by all the most famous singers, including Frank Sinatra, Perry Como, Tony Bennett, Frankie Laine, Fred Astaire and even Marlene Dietrich. But then as Celest Holm says about Ida in this classic film noir, "She does more without a voice than anyone I've ever heard."

A family of frauds

Who says crime doesn't pay. It paid off big for this family. Fraud is a crime and Todd Burpo, a Wesleyan minister pulled off a doozy . Say hello to the Burpo family who are getting rich on the sham book Heaven is for Real, in which their son Colton (the liar on the left) claims to have visited heaven during a failed operation when he was 3-years old. Of course the visions Todd created for him are nothing but white Protestant cliches: blue-eyed Jesus, angels with wings, pearly gates, mucho halos, you know everything those send-me-your-money evangelists said it would be. And now—get ready for this!—Sony is actually making a movie out of the fabrications of Todd Burpo and his twerpy son. That means more big bucks for this ludicrous scam. So you see crime does pay. Our gullible society proves it again and again. Which is why I am working on my new book Hell is for Real, in which I reveal my visit to this horrific inferno while under nitrous oxide at the dentist. I was surprised that Satan was so charming and hospitable. And delighted to learn that not only the evidoers suffer the eternal flame of hell, but also greedy, sanctimonious, lying, hypocritical Christians—you know, like the Burpos.

Andy, you were so right.

"In the future everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes." Andy Warhol

While there are many versions of that Andy Warhol quote, it has certain proven true, if not for everyone then for many more people than we ever imagined. The fame comes from being a contestant on a quiz show, committing a crime, being the victim of a crime, doing something disgusting or detestable, pretending your child visited heaven, or putting a home video on the internet and gaining instant attention. But I wonder if Andy realized how rapidly the lazy media would accommodate those pathetic unknowns seeking their brief time in the spotlight. In the case of the home videos, instantly accepting that they are absolutely genuine, thus catapulting persons involved to temporary fame, even if they actually staged the whole thing. I'm aware of this from an ABC news story right now about a baby biting the finger of a tot and him screaming in pain. This video has, as they say, gone viral. Yet to me, whether it is or not, this seems so incredibly staged and fake that I amazed that so many people find it charming and real. But then almost everything on America's Funniest Videos are obviously faked. It seems the American public doesn't mind being duped as long as they're amused or aren't clever enough to spot the deception. One could ask, why was the camera there at that significant moment in so many cases? Why? Because it was staged, faked, rehearsed, planned. While I don't find these fakeries offensive in themselves, I am offended that the American public is so gullible and that the broadcast news media is so easily deceived and so unwilling to do difficult reporting it will add any trivial video to the nightly news.

I think my password was $#%%$$@##@@##!

I hate passwords. A, they remind me of what a corrupt society we're living in, surrounded by scumbags who are out to rip us off, thus the extra security. B, I can't remember every password , and we are told not to use the same one for everything. And C, even knowing my password seems to prevent me from getting into any of my accounts or services. Today I tried to refill my T-Mobile phone, something I have done dozens of times without a problem or password. Today they wanted a password, something I was never given and did not have. Even when they assigned me one after major machinations, I couldn't fill the phone and eventually had to go the out-of-the-way and usually crowded T-Mobile center. I don't remember my password for Facebook since I quit them ages ago. That doesn't stop them from still e-mailing me that I have messages and people dying to befriend me. Of course I can't access this information because I can't remember my password. Like I said, I hate passwords, and don't even mention pin numbers.

Not that anyone cares, but....

Last night I watched the new version of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. While it was a very entertaining film, despite the meaningless opening titles, I didn't think it was nearly as good as the original Swedish film. Of course it's always a pleasure to watch Daniel Craig and Rooney Mara was excellent, but the film wasn't as dark, haunting, and disturbing as the original. It's a pity that Americans are so terrified of foreign languages and subtitles that they have to be spoon-fed English language versions of films that the rest of the world admired in the original language. While I am sure audiences will be very pleased with David Fincher's version of the story, it just doesn't compare with Swedish director Niels Arden Oplev's vision of the same material nor does the talented Ms. Mara surpass the unforgettable performance of Noomi Rapace as the enigmatic and unique Lisbeth Salander.

It's alive! It's stil alive!

Dick Cheney has a new heart. (Hard to believe he had an old one.) And I am appalled at the number of posters on HuffPost and elsewhere who wish him well and call him a patriot. Since I doubt any news outlet will print my comments, I think I'll put them here.

Since Cheney is 71, I suspect that some younger person is going without a new heart because Cheney jumped the line even though he claims to have waited 20 months.

Even he doesn't reject this new heart, I can only hope he is going through a great deal of pain and discomfort, vomiting constantly from the anti-rejection medication, being fed only through tubes, and living with the constant fear that it will stop working at any given moment.

I hope some columnist has the courage to remind everyone of the thousands of men, women and children who were killed, maimed, crippled, blinded and made homeless because this raging, aging asshole couldn't be happy without having a war.

I hope his echoing daughter and icy wife are either suffering by seeing him in this helpless state, or bored to death by coming to the hospital and pretending they still like this old fool.

I hope all over America families who have been patiently waiting for a heart to become available for their child or too-young-to-die relative ask why this aging, feeble old fool managed to get a heart transplant while they are still on the waiting list. And I hope one of those persons is a maniacal aunt who secretly has offed other geriatric patients for minor offenses and just happens to be the nurse assigned to watch over Mr. Cheney.

I hope the authorities were wise enough to take his old heart, sprinkle it with holy water, encase it in 8 feet of cement and
bury it deep in some rarely visited desert.

And finally I hope to soon see the headline on HuffPost and other sites: CHENEY DEAD.

Note: The National Heart, Lung and Blood Institute in listing those who are eligible for a heart transplant has this as the first bullet on their list of what's a person ineligible for a transplant:

Advanced age. There is no widely accepted upper age limit for a heart transplant. However, most transplant surgeries are done on patients younger than 70 years old.

Not a good case for Ally.

This is a stupid commercial for several reasons. One they didn't tell us what they actually told these "total strangers". Two, if they knew the suitcase held $100,000, they certainly would suspect a Candid Camera type setup. And three, though I know it's an expression, "they didn't take a dime" was bad writing since a suitcase full of paper money wouldn't have a dime. Why not, "They didn't take a single bill"? Also they call it the suitcase commercial. I would say that this is an attache case or a brief case, hardly a suitcase. This is the bank that did those wonderful commercials with children a year or two back. Did Ally change agencies or just get a less creative team?

Note: Days after I posted this, a good friend in Boston sent me a news article that Ally did indeed change agencies from the highly imaginative Bartle Bogle Hegerty to the very gray Grey.

Pigging out.

The first Maxwell the pig commercial was charming, hilarious,and innovative. People loved it. But just because people love something doesn't mean they want more of the same. I'm sure there are many people that enjoy these commercials, but I think they diminish the value of the original. Maxwell is not doing anything significantly different; he's just wee-wee-weeing in different settings. Sorry, Max, I'm no longer amused.

Does grapefruit juice give you the power to fly?

I think these commercials are nothing short of idiotic. When the first ones appeared it was very clever because it involved real situations, then suddenly it became a tableful of prognosticators. What is this a town of witches and warlocks? And what are all these people doing have breakfast together anyway. But even if it weren't stupid, I absolutely detest commercials that suggest the product has magical qualities. It's orange juice! The juice of an orange. Having a glass doesn't make your day any easier, your temper less short, your patience extended. Who comes up with this idiocy? Especially when pure orange juice tastes delicious and has vitamins. Why not create a commercial that cleverlysays that instead of coming up with these absurd scenarios?

Many roads lead to ancient Rome.

Television has gotten so bad that with a few exceptions, like Boardwalk and Revenge,and Mad Men, the most entertaining dramatic series of the week is Alfred Hitchcock Presents from the 1960s: hour-long black and white mysteries with real actors in real stories with real plots—and no commercials since they are on Encore. I'm sure there are other series that are on that are of some value, but I won't find them because I refuse to sit through ten minutes of show followed by 5-8 minutes of commercials. Anyway this week I found the perfect example of the quality television of the past and the crap they pawn off as entertainment today: Spartacus versus I, Claudius. True I,Claudius was a limited series based on two classic novels by Robert Graves I, Claudius (1934) and Claudius the God (1935) while Spartacus, is an open-ended series loosely based on Spartacus a gladiator and escaped slave in ancient Rome who led the Third Servile War in 73 BC. But while IC was brilliantly written, deftly plotted and actually had well-defined characters, it clearly was written for an adult audience. One anticipated each new chapter because you never knew what would happen next. Spartacus, on the other hand, is a series of short scenes followed by incredibly bloody slaughters, cliched characters, laughable pseudo-classical dialog, lot of nudity and was obviously written for bloodthirsty pre-teens who also wanted see "titties" or a gay audience since it is the first show I know of to show so much frontal male nudity. (Apparently in ancient Rome every man, including slaves had fabulous bodies with great pecs. Yet despite the city's many baths they were always dirty and sweaty.) Despite each show's different chapter name, I suspect it's, in essence, the same show every week. Now I am a person who completely approves of porn, which is basically what this show is, however soft. But there are lots of porn sites on the Internet so I really wish somebody would write a tv series for grownup with scenes that last longer than 30 seconds. But until then I will content myself with Alfred Hitchcock Presents. Not that I don't wish Spartacus enormous success. I do. If only because it will drive Santorum insane to know that this much nudity and sex is being shown for almost an hour every week.

Two potential candidates?

I don't care for Romney. Hes a liar, a fraud, a patrician pinhead. With all his money, he could be spending his life with his wife traveling the world and making a difference. But this arrogant nitwit wants the power and prestige of being president, assuming he could make a difference which I seriously doubt. I don't think he has much of a soul and sadly that seems to be true of his entire over-privileged family who stand behind his neurotic need for recognition. But he's a politician and I assume sane if self-centered. But Sanotorum is a different story. This man is nuts. Something must have happened to him sexually to make him so outraged with the joys of sexuality. Having either an impotency problem or an obsession with sex, he seems to want to lead a crusade against the nature of man himself. He's against: sex unless it produces a child, masturbation, sex outside of marriage, birth control, homosexuality; and now pornography, one of America's most popular and private pastimes. The ignorant Republicans, of which they are millions seem to approve of him, though they are probably screwing like rabbits in their run-down sheds and or jerking off to every lingerie commercial. How did a maniac like this even get to be a possible candidate for president. He would be happier in a revival tent dragging his wife and (I suspect abused) school-taught children from town to town preaching the evils of fornication and carrying a fetus in a pickle jar.

Speaking Truth to Power

As an atheist, I am always astonished at the lack of Christianity among Christians. But every now and then you find a minister, priest or other religious leader who restores your faith that some clergy can make a difference. This is one of those times.

English battles one cannot win.

There are certain misuses of the English language that are epidemic. They are so common that most people think they are correct. Many of those who know they are not (like moi) cringe every time they are used. The most offensive being, "If I would have known" or other variations of the same illiterate construction. I don't understand why it has even entered our language when the correct, "If I had known" is so much easier to say and far more euphonious. I am astonished by the number of well-educated people who use this expression and seem to have no awareness of just how incorrect it is. In fact, I recently saw it used on a U.S.Post Office commercial. The other even more popular misuse is the expression, "I could care less" instead of the correct "I couldn't care less". If you could care less then you care. If you couldn't care less, then you don't care. How difficult is that? Another recent almost-everyone misuse I noticed recently (not being a sports fan it eluded me) was that people say triathalon and biathalon when the words are triathlon and biathlon. Even sportscasters, who should know better, add that inaccurate "a". But sticklers and defenders of the English language are generally considered uptight pedants, so I don't expect the general public to suddenly have great respect for our wonderful language and try to use it as correctly as possible. And ain't that a shame?

More than anyone knows.

It's time for them to come out of the closet. And I don't mean gays. I mean atheists. With the religious right doing everything possible to make the bible the law of the land, it's time that we who have no belief in an all-knowing being and such absurdities as the Garden of Eden and Noah's flood declare ourselves. Like gays, there are millions of atheists who keep it under wraps because of the religiosity of their coworkers, friends, or even spouses. At least six of my friends are total atheists though few are aware of it. I think this country is in grave danger from zealots like Santorum, pretend Christians like Gingrich and wacko Mormons like Romney. This war against women which is essentially a war against sexuality is something you would expect three hundred years ago, but not in 2012. Yet there it is, with the prudish town fathers, sans their pilgrim hats, sounding off about the immorality of joyful sex. What's next, witch burning? This wave, like all dictatorships, has to be stopped early. Atheists should be vocal and angry, so should Muslims, Jews, and anyone who these intolerant Christians feel isn't adhering to biblical teachings and following Jesus, a symbol of their passion whom they don't even understand. I personally cringe when people suggest they plan on meeting their loved ones in another life. Sorry, there is no other life. This is it. You knew nothing about the eternity before you were born and you will know nothing about the eternity after you're gone. You're just not so special, no matter who you are, that this fantasy being is watching your every move and deciding just what golden palace to place you in after he gets through all the scheduling of Judgement Day.

"Deedle-dee-dee-dee-DEE, two ladies..."

It's interesting that John McCain would put so much time and effort into a losing presidential campaign. He must have known he was going to lose because apparently his wife Cindy is prescient. She has recently revealed that she is not going to see Game Change because she does not like the depiction of Sarah Palin, who, for some unfathomable reason she respects. So, if she knows about the movie without even seeing it, shouldn't she have foretold that her senile husband and his geographically- and historically-challenged running mate would go down in defeat?

Karen, we hardly knew ye.

It's always so uplifting to hear Rick Santorum preach against recreational sex and promote his rigid Catholicism. One can only assume that his wife, Karen, is every bit as moral as he. But wait. The pious Mrs. Santorum, a devout Catholic mother of seven, has a past that seems a little, tiny, itsy bitsy, out of step with their present moral high ground. I'm referring to her six-year love affair with Thomas E. Allen, an abortion doctor. Imagine that. And don't picture them as young lovers. He, in fact, was not only 40 years older than her, but he was the doctor who delivered her. Despite this shocking history, Ms. Santorum, like her husband, is a sanctimonious fraud and now opposes abortion even in the case of rape. These Republicans are so endlessly fascinating in their hypcrisy. Why hasn't the news made this bit of information more available?

Come out of that closet, guys!

It's interesting how many pretty boys or ex pretty boys become so anti-homosexual. Especially those who seem suspiciously less than masculine. It seems to me it takes a certain kind of obsession to a cause to spend so much effort and thought on it. I, being gay, I have no animosity toward women, and greatly admire those that are witty, talented and beautiful. Why should I hate them? They pose no threat to me. But gay-haters like Kirk Camera, Tony Perkins and Tucker Carlson are threatened. Why? Because the Bible tells them that homosexuality is evil? Not likely. Since they can't seem to come up with any biblical proof of such a statement. Even if they dig up the old Sodom and Gomorrah story, it isn't all that clear. No the fight they are having is in themselves. I am sure when Kirk was an adorable young star, he got propositioned a lot. Maybe he even succumbed and spent his nights crying at his sinfulness. Now he must vilify the very thing that so attracts him. Poor Kirk. More and more Americans are accepting the idea of gay marriages. Why? Because they are comfortable in their heterosexual identities. They are not threatened. Show me a straight man who has an intense hatred of homosexuals and I'll show you a man with a copy of Stallion hidden somewhere in his home.

A film to see, and a film to shun.

I just saw a very entertaining Australian movie on ON DEMAND. It was titled Tomorrow, When the War Began, and while it was reminiscent of Red Dawn, it was still an admirable depiction of a country being taken over by a foreign power. The young cast was very attractive, the plotting was excellent, the suspense was frequent and the special effect of a bridge being blown up was superb. As I was watching it, I was reminded of another film I saw recently which I found incredibly boring, badly directed and a waste of time—a film that had some similarities, notably a community being taken over and young people having to fight the enemy. But the boring film was from Hollywood, cost millions and had a famous-name director: Steven Spielberg. As you may have guessed that film was Super 8. Now while Super 8 was super boring and Tomorrow, When the War Began was very involving, the Hollywood film will get more press, more theaters and much more money. What's my point? Nothing other the fact in our age of costly promotion and falsely idealized talents, excellent films can appear and disappear while crap stays on the shelves and listings for ages.

Almost perfect.

This is one of my favorite gripes. These commercials for Charles Schwab are quite good. The spokesman they chose is also very good. Except for one thing. I cannot understand why someone who makes a living out of being a spokesman doesn't have outstanding English. This man, in particular, must be making a fortune out of being the spokesman for Schwab (a company I found to be very cool when I approached them as my portfolio did not meet their high standards. But no matter.) You will note in this spot he says,"...even if they are not ours...". Actually he doesn't say "ours". Like so many lazy speakers of the language, he says, "ares". This man's makes his living out of speaking English. Wouldn't you think he would know the difference between "ours" and "ares"?

If it were only true.

I think Campbell's was very smart to come up with this campaign. Of course it's a total lie. I mean let's face it, unless you're ordering some spectacular bisque or chef-designed recipe in an expensive restaurant, there is nothing exciting about soup, notably Campbell's soup. So when they say, "It's amazing what soup can do" I don't really know what they mean. I would say that Campbell's Tomato Soup is acceptable once a year; Chicken Noodle twice; and New England Clam Chowder never because it's almost all potatoes.There's nothing amazing about any Campbell's soup I ever had, and I never expressed the kind of irrepressible joy that so many of the consumers on their commercials seem to feel. But I must admit the commercials are well done, very nearly convincing and make me want to try Campbell's Soup again, but I know it will be just as acceptable, pedestrian and unamazing as it was the last time. Besides I miss the Campbell Kids. They were more honest.

Stout-hearted men?

It's interesting that the Republicans are so anti-women when you consider that it's not a very masculine party. Romney is nothing short of effete with his tres gai jeans, patrician attitudes and oh-so-carefully styled hair which he swears he doesn't die,but of course he does. Santorum is a prissy sissy, with no interest in booze, broads or any kind of manly fun. I'm not sure Gingrich marries so much for sex as to have a girlfriend to pal around with and go shopping at Tiffany's. And they all lack male virtues or courage, honor and truth. The way they lie about Obama is absolutely bitchy, gossipy, and spiteful more suited to teeange girls or boys. I picture them all meeting at someone's house and leaping on the bed to exchange the latest tidbits about Obama, who is off somewhere playing basketball, planning the death of a terrorist, or just being a model father. Then you have bloodless old crones like McConnell, full of impotent rage; confirmed bachelors like Lindsey Graham, refusing to exit that closet; and cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat Bohner constantly checking his watch for drinky-poo time while Eric Cantor looks on like a worried wife about to join Alanon. These are the "men" who think they should be in charge of the strongest country on earth.

Let Us Now Damn Famous Men

It's a pity that the American news media feels that it cannot tell the truth about some things. Death, for instance. Andrew Breitbart in particular. This guy was a prick, a bastard, a rumor monger, a racist, and a prude. He created that false story about Shirley Sherrod, which is why he was being sued by her. He was behind the investigation that caused Anthony Weiner to resign. Yet the media in large is expressing their regret, their sympathies to his family, commenting on how important he was to the GOP, and finding other reasons to shower him with at least a sprinkling of praise. Why does he news always assume the family is grieving? He could have been as nasty to them as everybody else. They could be rejoicing for all we know. But even if they are heartbroken, which is likely, the hearts of many others are gladdened that such an evil person is no longer around, like one of Satan's imps spreading discord and chaos.The headlines should have read: BREITBART DEAD. MILLIONS REJOICE. I have no problem admitting that it made my day, never to see his angry baby face again attacking some new victim. Of course it is amazing that he just dropped dead on the street at an incredibly young 43, despite the fact that looked more like a 50ish drunk. Such an odd death, and we won't know what caused it for about a week. I fantasied it was like the famous British case and someone stabbed him with tip of a poisoned umbrella. If so, and if that person is reading this, I have a list for you starting with James O'Keefe.


Note: If you want to see what Shirley Sherron, the woman he vilified, said about Breitbart's death, along with lots of other brilliantly explored political news go to My Cats are Democrats

A giant step backward.

I really detest this Chase commercial for lots of reasons. One is, of course, that it's totally absurd, some jock copywriter's fantasy of what he wishes his young son could do. But even accepting it as reality, this child has caused neighborhood-wide destruction. He's destroyed people's homes, ruined their days, and frightened them. The sponsor suggests that sending people a check makes everything all right. They apparently are not taking taking into account that you have find and hire a glazier or plasterer or whatever. And most annoying is that old sports cliche that the smug father doesn't care what kind of destruction his son causes as long as he's good as sport. The whole message of this commercial seems to be "money fixes everything". And despite being one of America's leading banks, Chase obviously doesn't understand that it doesn't. Pity that so many people think that destruction is funny.

Rushing to unhappiness.

My partner's brother is dying of lung cancer. The only even possible good thing to come out of this tragedy is that it bought the two estranged siblings together after decades. Tonight, while my partner was at work, his brother's wife called for him. Finding out he wasn't home she told me that the brother is now in hospice—the last stage, and that there was no need to call back: she would keep him updated. Very sad. When my friend did get home he spent time , as usual, chatting with his co-worker in her car. It occurred to me, (though it never occur to me to do this) that most people in the possession of bad news feel they have to reveal it immediately. I am sure the average person would rush out to the car, their face filled with emergency, to reveal the latest bad news. Even worse are the night callers. I call it "jack lighting". What possible use is to wake someone out of a sound sleep to tell them something horrible that can wait till the morning? How much valuable time can one actually lose? Why do people do these things? It seems to me, unless immediate action is required, that one could wait a few minutes before colliding into a moment of pleasure in order to create a atmosphere of gloom. Just more of the many peculiar things we humans do instead of doing something else. Hmmmm.

It's not that difficult to say it right.

I feel that I have a good command of the English language. After all I made my living writing. (Of course it was advertising, a field filled with writing illiterates.) But there are several changes in the language that I just don't understand. I wouldn't mind it if were one of those man-on-the-street things, but it's not—it's epidemic. I won't even bother whine about candidate, which absolutely no one pronounces correctly. Even the highest paid announcers say "cannadate". Where did that come from? No. I am more bothered by three-syllable words, at least those that are actually two-syllable words Like what? Oh, there are hundreds. Like gambling, sparkling, drizzling, sizzling, bubbling. On the news and almost everywhere else these words are pronounced gambeling, sparkeling, drizzeling, sizzeling and bubbeling even though nobody ever told the dictionary. I watched the ABC Nightly News which completely lacks correctly pronounced two-syllable words. Why? When did this start. The other madness is the new American inability to pronounce couldn't, wouldn't, shouldn't and didn't. In many cases these words are pronounced coonint, woonint, shoonint and dinnent, There are at least five different commercials for Nexium which begin with the announcer saying, "You woonint let your doctor...".Another Citi commercial has a girl getting ready to go mountain climbing with her boyfriend and asks the viewer "And what girl woonint want...". The language is changing, I know that, but you would think somebody would acknowledge the changes and let everybody know, especially when its rampant on network TV. And there is no way that I think coonint sounds as nice as couldn't And, say what you like, I much prefer gambling to gambeling, which sounds like gamboling, which I never do.