"We're crossing the Alanic this winna."

The followng are words most American's don't pronounce correctly or can't pronounce at all. Bad enough the average person slurs these and many other words, but radio, television and commercial announcers are just as ineffective and they get a lot of money to have superior diction.
INTERNET
ATLANTIC
INTERVIEW
DENTIST
WINTER
SANTA CLAUS
FANTASY
AND ALMOST EVERY OTHER WORD WITH AN INTERIOR T.

The stupidest new cliche.

It's amazing how many uncreative persons have gravitated toward this super corny, but epidemic, new two-word cliche whose meaning as far as I can see means,"I congratulate myself." Example of commercial: We're having a tire sale. Now you can get two radial-belted tires for the price of one. You're welcome. Yuck.

Another hair-brained comment.

Anyone with even the most rudimentary knowledge of psychological terms is familiar with the word, "projection". Simply put that is when a person suffering from some kind of mental aberration accuses someone else of having the problem, usually someone they either love or hate. It's not unusual for a very possessive husband, for instance,  to claim is wife is "insanely jealous". Well you get the picture. An ever better example is the speculation this Thursday by Donald Trump. He stated that there's something seriously wrong with President Obama's mental health." He further called him a psycho. Well, we're all aware of just how psychotic, paranoid, delusional, shallow, and irrelevant Mr. Trump is. His only claim to fame is the peculiar wispiness atop his head and the ever changing and delusional exaggeration of his wealth.  Of course the lazy media is quick to repeat Mr. Trump's accusation, but they would never put in the effort it takes to explain why Dynel Donnie said it.

The affair of the fan.

I love Charlie Crist and certainly hope he is our next governor. But I must admit he has not done his homework. How could he not know that Martians have a legendary aversion to fans? Actually all extra-terrestrials like Rick Scott (Grock) are terrified of anything that spins, which is why no fans are allowed in his presence and what caused the scandal last August when a seven-year-old girl was arrested by a security guard for carrying a pinwheel. Nobody knows the origin of this phobia. Some have suggested that a spinning object interferes with the sensitive visual capabilities of his tryopic buggy eyes. Others think that his super sensitive brachiopodal ears hear the spinning not as a quiet whirr but as a violent and threatening roar. Whatever the case, Charlie should have done more research. Keep in mind that, when angered, Rick Scott is capable of rotating his head and spitting deadly streams of hot acid.

Not that funny.

Recently I wrote about an oddity on The Family Feud. The host said, "We asked 100 women if they could only eat one food for the rest of their life, what would it be?" The contestant said,"Turnip greens." And odd reply, but even odder was that seven other audience members said the same thing. I consider this incredible, amazing, unlikely and newsworthy. But I didn't see it mentioned anywhere. However this week when asked, ...if you could change any part of your husbands body, what would it be." The contestant answered, "his penis". This unremarkable and sought-out comment is all over the news today. It shows you just what interest the lazy media.

I hate the word "should".

In a recent HuffPost article book critic,Maureen Corrigan, suggested that everyone "should" read The Great Gatsby. She gave all the reasons she thinks it's a great novel and described her particular relationship with this admired American classic. What bullshit. I personally have found The Great Gatsby to be a compete bore and I have tried reading it twice. That doesn't mean it is a bore. Many readers love it, admire it, worship it even. But that's the point. Why "should" people read anything that doesn't interest them when there are bound to be so many books that do. I personally no longer read fiction. Most of my friends would never read true crime, my passion. Should I tell them they "should"read Ann Rule while they insist I "should" read John Grisham? Of course not. Unless you are forced to read to learn something, read what you like. Hmmm. I have a beautiful blonde friend who will read this post and think, "I cannot believe you didn't like The Great Gatsby".

The little book that could save your life!

If you're looking for a fun and reasonably priced gift for a spouse, friend, coworker, or anyone you actually like and would like to see protected from harm, I have the ideal solution. It's a new book called How To Be Or Not To Be Murdered. The book is both written by and illustrated by Pat Longan and it's a 56-page how-to paperback. Naturally the approach is tongue-in-cheek, but the advice is sound. Following its simple guidelines will help anyone avoid being electrocuted in the bath, buried in the cellar, suffocated in your sleep, or any number of other deadly possibilities. The illustrations, despite the subject matter, are hilarious. Ms. Longan recently created the much-praised illustrations for The Compleat Book of Lunch. Now she has proven she is as talented a writer as a cartoonist.

How To Be Or Not To Be Murdered is out and available from  amazon.com.  P.S. if there's somebody you really detest, there's no need to make them aware of this life-saving book. Enjoy.