INTERMISSION

Unless  a Luddite like me can figure out how to do this on the road, there will be a break in my whining and complaIning, possibly as long as a month. The bad news is that I hate to not communicate with all the loyal followers of my blog. The good news is there not that many people to disappoint. The other bad news is that in the next few weeks there are sure to be hundreds of irritating people and events and I will have no way to vent my frustration. By the way, don't you hate it when people use photos of themselves in articles, book covers, publicity, anywhere at all and they haven't looked that way in years, plus they accessorize the photo with some kind of item that betrays the damn thing anyway. Hmm. I always marvel at the nerve of people like that.

They sure know how to spoil a vacation.

Our newest lost of freedom seems to be that you can't go on vacation without letting your bank know your entire itinerary, even though it's none of their fucking business. I called CitiBank today to make sure they don't freeze my card while I'm on vacation as they have done in the past. I felt that assuring them I would be traveling was enough. Apparently not. They suggested they can't provide me with any protection unless I tell them where I'm going. Since I don't know, I can't tell them and I wouldn't if I could. We Americans are too easily cowed by the information bullies who insist they have to know things that are really none of their concern. So while I'm traveling in the near future, I expect to have some hotelier or waiter tell that my credit card has been frozen because CitiBank is far more paranoid than I am.

"We're crossing the Alanic this winna."

The followng are words most American's don't pronounce correctly or can't pronounce at all. Bad enough the average person slurs these and many other words, but radio, television and commercial announcers are just as ineffective and they get a lot of money to have superior diction.
INTERNET
ATLANTIC
INTERVIEW
DENTIST
WINTER
SANTA CLAUS
FANTASY
AND ALMOST EVERY OTHER WORD WITH AN INTERIOR T.

The stupidest new cliche.

It's amazing how many uncreative persons have gravitated toward this super corny, but epidemic, new two-word cliche whose meaning as far as I can see means,"I congratulate myself." Example of commercial: We're having a tire sale. Now you can get two radial-belted tires for the price of one. You're welcome. Yuck.

Another hair-brained comment.

Anyone with even the most rudimentary knowledge of psychological terms is familiar with the word, "projection". Simply put that is when a person suffering from some kind of mental aberration accuses someone else of having the problem, usually someone they either love or hate. It's not unusual for a very possessive husband, for instance,  to claim is wife is "insanely jealous". Well you get the picture. An ever better example is the speculation this Thursday by Donald Trump. He stated that there's something seriously wrong with President Obama's mental health." He further called him a psycho. Well, we're all aware of just how psychotic, paranoid, delusional, shallow, and irrelevant Mr. Trump is. His only claim to fame is the peculiar wispiness atop his head and the ever changing and delusional exaggeration of his wealth.  Of course the lazy media is quick to repeat Mr. Trump's accusation, but they would never put in the effort it takes to explain why Dynel Donnie said it.

The affair of the fan.

I love Charlie Crist and certainly hope he is our next governor. But I must admit he has not done his homework. How could he not know that Martians have a legendary aversion to fans? Actually all extra-terrestrials like Rick Scott (Grock) are terrified of anything that spins, which is why no fans are allowed in his presence and what caused the scandal last August when a seven-year-old girl was arrested by a security guard for carrying a pinwheel. Nobody knows the origin of this phobia. Some have suggested that a spinning object interferes with the sensitive visual capabilities of his tryopic buggy eyes. Others think that his super sensitive brachiopodal ears hear the spinning not as a quiet whirr but as a violent and threatening roar. Whatever the case, Charlie should have done more research. Keep in mind that, when angered, Rick Scott is capable of rotating his head and spitting deadly streams of hot acid.

Not that funny.

Recently I wrote about an oddity on The Family Feud. The host said, "We asked 100 women if they could only eat one food for the rest of their life, what would it be?" The contestant said,"Turnip greens." And odd reply, but even odder was that seven other audience members said the same thing. I consider this incredible, amazing, unlikely and newsworthy. But I didn't see it mentioned anywhere. However this week when asked, ...if you could change any part of your husbands body, what would it be." The contestant answered, "his penis". This unremarkable and sought-out comment is all over the news today. It shows you just what interest the lazy media.

I hate the word "should".

In a recent HuffPost article book critic,Maureen Corrigan, suggested that everyone "should" read The Great Gatsby. She gave all the reasons she thinks it's a great novel and described her particular relationship with this admired American classic. What bullshit. I personally have found The Great Gatsby to be a compete bore and I have tried reading it twice. That doesn't mean it is a bore. Many readers love it, admire it, worship it even. But that's the point. Why "should" people read anything that doesn't interest them when there are bound to be so many books that do. I personally no longer read fiction. Most of my friends would never read true crime, my passion. Should I tell them they "should"read Ann Rule while they insist I "should" read John Grisham? Of course not. Unless you are forced to read to learn something, read what you like. Hmmm. I have a beautiful blonde friend who will read this post and think, "I cannot believe you didn't like The Great Gatsby".

The little book that could save your life!

If you're looking for a fun and reasonably priced gift for a spouse, friend, coworker, or anyone you actually like and would like to see protected from harm, I have the ideal solution. It's a new book called How To Be Or Not To Be Murdered. The book is both written by and illustrated by Pat Longan and it's a 56-page how-to paperback. Naturally the approach is tongue-in-cheek, but the advice is sound. Following its simple guidelines will help anyone avoid being electrocuted in the bath, buried in the cellar, suffocated in your sleep, or any number of other deadly possibilities. The illustrations, despite the subject matter, are hilarious. Ms. Longan recently created the much-praised illustrations for The Compleat Book of Lunch. Now she has proven she is as talented a writer as a cartoonist.

How To Be Or Not To Be Murdered is out and available from  amazon.com.  P.S. if there's somebody you really detest, there's no need to make them aware of this life-saving book. Enjoy. 

"...not even a mother..."

This week Mitch McConnell, when accused of earning his wealth by using his position as a senator clarified how he became a millionaire. He inherited his wealth. I would think this comes as no surprise to anyone considering that McConnell isn't smart enough to have earned millions, and not appealing enough to have won over others with wealth. He is, however unctuous enough that, having millions, he could oil his way into positions of power and control. We also can assume that he inherited his incredible homeliness from one or both parents. His lack of any humanity, honesty, integrity or humility we can be certain he achieved all on his own.

Dangerous advice.

Bayer has the most offensive commercials on television. This spot is to suggest that this man who had a "massive heart attack" was saved when his doctor put him on a Bayer aspirin regimen. No mention of course of the hideous operation, the change in diet, the follow-up therapy. And does a responsible doctor really suggest a costly brand-name product when any aspirin regimen will be equally effective? These are shamelessly deceptive and irresponsible commercials. But no surprise. Keep in mind Bayer is the company that provided the lethal gas for the holocaust. They are still leading providers of poisons and obviously still effective propagandists.

I hate this spot!

I don't get this commercial. What am I supposed to think? I see a nice dad taking his kid to see some of America's greatest wonders, and the little shit is nothing but unimpressed and ungrateful. I have no idea what the bison is supposed to say about the little monster. I would have driven off and left him there.
Disappointing spot for a company that normally does wonderful commercials with children.

Are you the angry writer, Katherine Brooks?

This peculiarity of HuffingtonPost is so creepy, I felt I had to mention it again. For some inexplicable reason they have a sick writer, possibly Katherine Brooks,  who for some inexplicable reason writes headlines like this: "Here Are A Bunch of F*cking Delightful Artsy Cat Photos. You're Welcome." Does HuffPost think this is cute and endearing? To me it suggests someone with a screw loose. What makes this weirdo feel she has to add "F*cking" to an otherwise innocent and amusing feature? That's like having a headline that says, "Ten Helpful Household Hints. Up Yours!" 

Arrested development.

As a gay man I am often amazed at the boorish and insecure behavior of so many so-called straight-men. Why do so many, on seeing an attractive women, act as if they have never seen a woman before, or as if the one that catches their eye is the last one they will ever see. A woman comes into view and A. They are wide-eyed with wonder and obscene thoughts and B, They make arrogant comments that suggest that this attractive stranger would have anything to do with them. Then, of course, there are the cretins who yell their admiration from car windows or make rude and scary comments on the street as a woman passes by,  again as if this woman would regard them as anything but complete jerks. Are straight men, as a rule, so sex-starved that they behave like ten-year-olds seeing their first photo of a "naked lady"? If so, how sad. But sadder still is that they seem to have no interest in appearing to be  masculine, self-assured and comfortable with the opposite sex. On September 4, Washington, D.C. Superior Court Judge, Juliet McKenna, dismissed charges against intrusive pervert Christopher Cleveland who was accused of taking pictures up women's skirts without their consent or knowledge.
Apparently Judge McKenna thinks that's perfect acceptable behavior, thus giving one more nutcase free rein to express his sexual inadequacies at the expense of innocent women. 

It's where this castle is not.

There are two expressions related to Great Britain that I think should never be used by intelligent Americans. Both are not only cliches, but really stupid ones. They are "bubbly" instead of champagne, and "across the pond" instead of in Great Britain or Europe. While one doesn't hear "bubbly" much any more thank goodness, all the network news stations, notably ABC, love saying, "across the pond."  Does David Muir know how sophomoric it makes him sound? When I worked for a leading Miami agency, we had Laker Airways. I inherited the copywriting chores on the account from a recently fired writer. His copy for Laker included "bubbly" which I hated even then, but I was not allowed to take that annoying word out of his, as yet, unproduced radio spot. However, when the commercial was presented to Sir Freddie Laker, he wanted it removed and said at the time, "Bubbly? Who the fuck says bubbly?"

Note: Wikipedia says that "Laker Airways was founded by Sir Freddie Laker in 1966". However, since Mr. Laker wasn't knighted until 1978, he was still just a brilliant entrepreneurial commoner.

"So many fantasies, so little time."

World's leading propagandist, Karl Rove, is gearing up for another blirzkreig  ad campaign against Democrats. It seems his political nonprofit Crossroads GPS has raised $75 million to support Rove's massive hate campaign of lies and innuendos. I wonder if being such an utterly unattractive blob and having a gay father has anything to do with his faux homophobia, self-hatred,  and intense loathing of a party out to help the poor and middle class. I also wonder if he ever got over his mad crush on George Bush. Or for that matter is he still being screwed by Joe Gannon the gay hustler who he tried to pass off as a journalist?

At stake, Florida and the human race.

It's hard to believe but true. There are still people in Florida who will vote for a Martian over an Earthling That is the power of extraterrestrial mind control. Ever since Rick Scott (Grock) got into the governor's office, he has been emitting mind-altering waves throughout the state, mostly northern Florida. It is hard to determine how many other fellow-Martians are plotting with him, because none is quite as ugly and alien-looking, as you can see from this frightening photo.   One can only hope that enough people are still left with sanity and reason to elect Charlie Crist. Otherwise the Martians, having a foothold in Florida, may branch out to destroy the rest of the county, and eventually the entire Earth.

Asinine article.

I used to read HuffingtonPost because it was interesting. Now I read it out of fascination of how stupid it is. Not only is it wildly chauvinistic in its constant appraisal  of the female body. But its articles about gays (whom they often refer to, offensively, as queer) by Noah Michelson,  their "Executive Editor of Huffpost Gay Voices" seem better suited to gay porno mags. The latest is "Why Isn't Anyone Talking About Nick Jonas's Hairy Ass."  These are the kind of articles that have the straight world convinced that gay men think of nothing but sex, which is probably true about Mr. Michelson. Not only is the article kind of absurd, but as you can see from this picture Mr. Jonas hardly has a hirsute rear end, so we can only assume what fuzz there is has been overly fantasized by the author.

Losers all.

I will never understand why so many poor and middle-class Americans will vote for these cold-hearted bastards. They are anti-woman, anti-black, anti-immigrant, anti-gay and they only strive to enrich their wealthy friends and to fill their own already replete coffers. I'd love to believe that Americans, in general, are a noble and intelligent people. But line-ups like these make me believe otherwise.

Imagine what could have been.

Republicans are delighted that Vice President Joe Biden has had to apologize twice this week for comments he made that offended key Arab partners. In one case he suggested that the United Arab Emirates were supporting al Quaeda fighters in Syria. The UAE demanded that he walk back the comment which, of course, he did. But the Republicans should be delighted, not by Biden's discomfort, but because if McCain has won the presidency two elections ago, the party would have faced the humiliation of the constantly bumbling and always misspeaking Sarah Palin issuing apologies and retractions on a daily basis.

How does your health plan stack up?

One of today's most common complaints is the high cost of medical care. While I don't have any idea of what creates the greatest expenses, I can tell you what surely helps. Mailings. As a member of AvMed's medicare supplement insurance, I receive endless irritating mailings week after week after week. Each mail item costs an average of 38 cents. But my partner also receives the same mailing though I have told them they need not send two. So that's almost $40 a year . Multiply that by their many thousands of members. And that's not counting the costly membership books, which are necessary, and the many other heavy mailings which are not necessary. Do I read this material? Of course not. I'm sure some of it is important, but most of it is not. I like my AvMed health plan, except when I get to the so-called "gap" and have to pay full price for my medications. Maybe if they cut down on all these unnecessary mailings, the gap could be less painful.

America's newest pain in the ass.

Her name is Joni Ernst. She's a butch, pint-sized,  gun-toting racist from Iowa. Like Sarah Palin she thinks she's a whole lot smarter than she is. Naturally, like most Republicans, she hates anything that president Obama supports with particular loathing for the life-saving, anxiety-reducing, life savings savings benefits of Obamacare. Right now she's a nominee for the U.S. Senate in Iowa. Unfortunately Iowa is so full of red-necked ignoramuses this new boil on America's backside just may become a long-lasting affliction.

"Beyonce Is White Hot In A Bikini"

I find it odd that Huffington Post is chastising Jeopardy for featuring a category that they consider sexist. The category is called "What Women Want" and the answers are harmless responses that are not particularly sexist like woman want a well-fitting pair of jeans or some quiet time. In short, just what men want. What's annoying about the Huffpost scolding is that there is nobody more sexist than them. Every day brings a new Huffpost article about how so and such, always female, looks hot in this bathing suit, or gorgeous in this dress, or made eyes pop in her bra-less tee.  In short "What Internet magazine is being laughingly hypocritical?"

Note: The headline and photo above are just one example of the daily sexist lead-ins on HuffPost.