Au audience of hysterics.

Stephen Colbert is a brilliant comedian. And, during his show, he has a lot of important and trenchant things to say. But the excessive and continuous hyping of his audience is becoming ridiculous. Is his ego so weak that any comment he makes has to be greeted with applause, screaming, hoots and wild expressions of approval? This kind of absurdly exaggerated enthusiasm just weakens the intelligence of the show's content. Especially when we, the audiences, know that some toadie is holding up signs that say "applaud", "scream", "whistle". So as much as I like and admire Stephen Colbert, I have to give up watching this show because the absurdly overwrought audience reactions give me a headache.

Hallmark

This commercial was brought to my attention by a good friend. That's fitting since it's about good friends. What I like about this spot is that it very sincere and real without going into saccharine territory which Hallmark is capable of doing. It also reminds us of the many times we had to get everybody's name on a greeting card. A wonderful little story in two touching minutes.

Talk about embarrassing spots.

Commercials are 30 seconds. It seems to me if you're any kind of a writer, you could make half-a-minute of copy understandable. That doesn't seem to be the case here. When her sister says, "You didn't have to come over." what is she talking about? Come over for what? To acknowledge the spots on my glasses? To greet the bizarre counselor? This commercial, like her glass, is very unclear.

REALLY, REALLY STUPID!

Not even considering that this is yet another of the dozens of commercials in which the woman is smart and the man is a moron,  I don't get this commercial. What is the point of the all caps comment, and the idiot (who never should have been hired) suggesting getting a drink later? And why would a good manager bring up such a subject in front of the entire staff. He wouldn't.  How does the art director-copywriter team talk major companies into backing idiotic spots like this? All this talent (meaning the actors) and all that money for a huge media buy, but NO REAL IDEA.

Henry, Sweet Henry.

I was listening to a CD of a musical today. It occurred to me that most people might not know the musical, nor recognize the name of its super talented composer and lyricist, which is a shame because he was a giant in the entertainment world. The musical was Carnival, the genius behind it Bob Merrill, who was born Henry Robert Merrill Levan in Atlantic City in 1921. And while Mr. Merrill wrote songs as light as "How Much is That Doggie in the Window", he also wrote outstanding musicals including the already mentioned Carnival, New Girl in Town, Take Me Along and Henry, Sweet Henry as well as the lyrics to such famous songs as "People" (m. Jule Styne). I was also surprised to learn that he wrote several songs for Jerry Herman's Hello Dolly, including my favorite "Elegance". Sadly Bob Merrill died on February 17, 1998, and, considering his many successes,  it's unfortunate that his name isn't as renowned as many other Broadway composers. Bob also had another talent that many composers sadly do not have: He could sing. Beautifully as it happens. And one of the most touching recordings I can think of is Bob Merrill singing his own song, "Love Makes the World Go 'Round."

Note: I found it oddly difficult to find a photo of Bob Merrill. This is the best I could come up with, and it's surprisingly somber for a musician that gave us so many, many joyous songs.

Ally Bank commercials, Waring thin.

Ally used to do some of the best commercials on tv when they pitted that arrogant guy in the grey suit with innocent children. Now they do some of the stupidest ads, this being one of them. Comparing putting a blender into a retail establishment with the abilities of an ATM is about as dumb as can be. There's no parallel. There's no logic. It's not even amusing or whimsical. It's just a waste of time and money. I don't know who does their advertising now, but they should have changed agencies back with the "minding the money" commercial, which was also idiotic.

Friend or foe?

Why am I the only person I know who can easily imagine America being invaded by the Chinese, Pearl Harbor style? They're big. They're powerful. They're secretive. They have nuclear weapons. They need more living space and they practically own us anyway. Recently there have been reports of them hacking into our utility grids and communications systems. Why couldn't they just deprive us of power and fly right in?  Okay, it's paranoid, it's a highly dramatic conspiracy theory. Or is it? I just hope our spy programs are keeping an eye on whatever they're building.

How did this slip by?

I don't know whether I posted this comment before and I'm too lazy to check back. But no matter; it's worth repeating. Shouldn't it be, "But Dad, you've got Allstate, with Accident Forgiveness that guarantees your rates won't go up." I can't see how it would be guarantee. Are the advertisers stupid or do they know a rule that I don't?

Sorry, the glasses don't help.

I think there are a lot of great announcers in America, men and women with perfect diction, wonderful voices and a knowledge of the English language. But I don't see many of them on national television. I have already complained in a previous post that Diane Sawyer has the worst diction of all, turning hundreds of two syllable words into three syllable words, god knows why. But then almost all announcers are guilty of that. Even Alex Trebeck one of the most careful speakers spoke of the biathalon last week. No announcer seems to know that the word is biathlon. Tonight Lester Holt, another second-rate speaker spoke of an "inimit" situation. That's his pronunciation for the word intimate, which really does have a "t" in it. This wouldn't bother so much if these hacks weren't honored and regarded despite their flaws. Notable in all this is Matt Lauer who has no more eclat or charisma than the average announcer on the Des Moines, Iowa  news channel, yet there he is making millions and interviewing legendary people. I don't get it.

A pretty good way to get in.

I don't get glass front doors, or glass rear doors for that matter. Today, when there is so much crime, I can't imagine why anyone would have a glass door into their home, even if they have an alarm system. All a criminal has to do is smash the glass, reach in, unlock door, and they're in. I read a lot of crime books and all too often that's one of the fastest ways into the house (though I must admit, most of those break ins are staged by a murderous husband of wife). The other popular means of entrance, mostly for strangling young women or kidnapping children, is through an open window. Who the hell leaves an open window to their home at night?  Yes, there's a lot of crime in America: every day new robberies, murders, kidnappings. And, though I hate to say it, much of these crimes are aided and abetted by the victims themselves who are improvident enough to have glass doors into their homes or open windows.

Not yummy, scary!

Do advertisers live in a bubble? Here we have Kraft basing an entire campaign on referring to their Velveeta product as Liquid Gold. Rather than stimulate my taste buds,, this nauseates me since for 6o years Liquid Gold has been a leading brand of wood cleaner, ergo: poison. Why would an advertiser even consider a campaign so ambivalent and stupid?

Is logic dead?

This is yet another in a series of endless illogical commercials for dozens of products. The fact that she got a bonus check does not mean that women are better drivers than men.  Not that women aren't, but this commercial is no proof of it one way or the other. So showing this idiot cowed because she happened to get a check from Allstate is about as stupid as a commercial can be. That's like saying, "Women are better cooks than men because I made this souffle and you didn't."

Ruining lives is so danged adorable.

Melissa McCarthy, it seems to me, is a talented actress with tons of personality. The fact that she is a plus size doesn't bother me in the least. What does bother me are the roles she takes. Mike and Molly is a vulgar sitcom that tells us a whole lot more about the bodily functions of these two overweight characters than I would ever want to know. I think it's successful, which says a lot about viewer's tolerance for bathroom humor and less-than-erotic sexuality. At any rate, we'd better get used to Melissa, since judging from the recent Coming Attractions (or does everyone call them trailers), she's scheduled to be in a lot of movies, notably Identity Thief with Jason Bateman. How anyone could conceive of making a movie in which the heroine is an identity thief is beyond me. These are, after all, among the lowest scum on the earth, soulless creatures who steal other's names and social security numbers, run up their charge cards, ruin their lives and never give a thought to the destruction they leave behind. This is the adorable, wild and wacky star of Identity Thief. I can only hope the American public, seeing how vomitous a theme this is, fails to show up in droves. Of if they don't , I hope if someday they fall prey to one of these despicable criminals, someone says to them, "Gee you thought it was funny in Identity Thief.

Adorable Design Within Reach chair, $4,049.00.

Lots of retailers have stupid names. Either the  name is too cute, too complicated, or just too far removed from what they do. I have decided what I consider the stupidest retailer's name,  or at least the most dishonest. Design Within Reach. This is a store which carries beautiful upper-scale furniture which is only within your reach if you are a  millionaire. I have no objection to their prices. After all we're talking about the creme de la creme of design, but why the hell they would choose such an absurdly inaccurate name is beyond me. It's like calling McDonalds: Unaffordable Dining.

"Reminingyouofmonthurso'clock."

I have three old messages on my answering machine. I haven't answered them yet because I haven't a clue what they say. I'm pretty sure they're all reminders about doctors appointments, but you can never be sure. Since all three mush mouthed callers said the telephone number once and without a moment of clarity, it isn't like I can call anyone back for further details, which is odd, because all I can make out on two of them are the words, "call us to confirm." It astonishes me that so many doctors have their receptionists call to confirm appointments, but never seem to encourage them to speak clearly and slowly, speak English to English-speaking patients and repeat the telephone number slowly and distinctly. Additionally, it annoys the hell out of me that the doctors expect you to call them to confirm an appointment. So in a way, I'm glad they're assistants are so incomprehensible.

Highlight of an all right film.

I think America is losing its ability to gauge a good film. All the much-heralded films I've seen this year have been all right, just all right. Lincoln was all right. We already know I hate Spielberg's camerawork. In this film there were camera flares, thumbprints, mysterious blobs. Daniel-Day Lewis was very good as Lincoln, if, in fact, Lincoln moved and talked annoying slowly when he was only in his 50s.  But like I say. It was all right. It was entertaining. It was not a masterpiece nor a cause for celebration. The same is true of Les Miserables. It was all right. Yes, the cast was fine. The singing, all right. The scenes that they swore were incredibly moving were also all right. The only scene I found truly moving, other than Anne Hathaway's solo, was Eddie Redmayne singing my previously least-favorite song "Empty Chairs and Empty Tables." That song, by the way, was written many years before Les Mis and featured on one or more albums of Charles Aznavour. At least now I don't have to pay to see a movie that the critics are raving about. I now know that today's critics are all in their twenties, haven't got a clue what makes a good movie and  as far as how well they do their jobs, I would say, "all right".

Max, you old dog, you.

I'm as broadminded as the next guy, but I find this commercial a little bizarre. This young girl is apparently hoping that the car is stalled so that she and Maxwell the Pig  can make love. I think Geico has gone a little too far this time in the personification of animals theme. Maxwell, while cute, is a bit creepy for a late-night rendezvous.

No FaceBook. No opinion.

For years, I have been posting to HuffPost. At the last count, I had written 7,795 comments. Having just returned from a winter vacation, I had plannned on resuming my prolific unrequested opinions. But apparently not. FaceBook, which has taken over all our lives in ways we don't even know, has made it impossible for me to continue posting if I don't get a FaceBook account, which I have no intention of doing.  While I was foolish enough to join FaceBook once, I soon got tired of the mundane comments and insipid pictures. Sadly, I learned, that like Scientology, they never let you go and continue to deluge you with minutiae an trivia long after you have tried to quit. I don't intend to read HuffPost any more, but so what?  there are other valid news sources and those want me without knowing where I went to dinner last night with Tim and Alice and Biffy.

"Line up. Everyone line up. All four of you."

At the PinkBerryYogurt kiosk in Boston’s Prudential Center they have a theater-style barrier to direct the multitude of customers. The only problem is they never have a multitude, just a handful or more. Still those customers are required to be navigated through this maze that the retail has created. Of course every now and then a customer seeing the stupidity of this arrangement will slip under the strap, which usually receives a scowl from the clerks. Recently I asked, “Why can’t you shorten the barrier when you don’t have many customers.” The female clerk looked at me with contempt that I would question this system and not surprisingly did not give an answer. This is not a rare situation in many retail outlets. Employees have less and less skill at responding to a customer’s question whether it is a compliment or a complaint either out of fear of ignorance.  They stand there impotent and silent and often angry at their own incompetence. Also of interest there seems to be no awareness any more that to not supply any response makes the clerk seem  either moronic or rude, or both.

I’m writing this because I have to get it out of my system. But it’s also a good lesson for anyone who has even a minor estate to leave when they die. I had a lover many years ago. I eventually left him for someone else but remained the best of friends for 45 years. He went through several relationships until, for some reason, he stayed with a shallow, unaffectionate, ungrateful, alcoholic, drug addict, whom he had to rescue time and time again and spent a great deal of money and time dealing with rehab centers and hospitals. I told my friend who was much older than his lover, not to leave his fortune to this weakling as he would not only indulge his addictions, but would also be dead within four years. My friend died from a heart attack at 86 and left his estate to his lover who, (whom?) as I predicted, was dead within four years. Sadly, this loser, despite his vows that he would leave his money to an animal charity and  not to his abusive parents, had not had the foresight to make a will so my good friend’s hard-earned lifetime of savings went to complete and undeserving strangers and not to his loving family or true friends. 

Don't kid yourself, killer.

Recently on Morning Joe, they were arguing about gun control. Quite rightly the panelists could not see why anyone needs an assault rifle to go hunting. No one does, of course. But they blithely agreed that any man should be able to take his son or daughter hunting with a regular rifle. They smiled smugly as this logic. But this conclusion seems just as insane to me as the other. What kind of person can go into the forest, especially with a child, sees a peaceful deer standing majestically in a clearing and puts a bullet through its head. Sorry if you're offended, but hunting is a sick, sick sport. And killing is killing.

"Extra care" About what?

CVS is less expensive than Walgreen's, but then what isn't? Still I think I will have to stop having to use CVS. Why?  Because they are eagerly adding machines to replace people at checkout. More and more it becomes difficult to find someone at the checkout counter, and they are training what few they have to show customers how to use automatic checkouts, thus training them to replace their jobs. A worker will wander around pointing to the machine indicating that it is your only choice. For a while I insisted on having a clerk and they complained. They don't anymore because there's no one to complain to. I am hardly a communist, but I am not about to aid a large, greedy company in its goal to get rid of as many employees as possible. The employee recently who helped me use the machine, which I usually eschew, was a 63-year-old black woman, tiny and sweet. She hopes she can work till she's 65. Not if CVS can find a way to replace her a.s.a.p. and keep all those savings for themselves.