I don't have the heart to trash Smash.

Just saw the first episode of Smash a soap opera about the making of a musical about Marilyn Monroe. It wasn't bad so much as it was kind of stupid. Once again star Debra Messing is paired with a gay man. This time it's her musical collaborator who is a walking cliche of fruity affectations and even has a cute assistant who for some unfathomable reason participates in all the major meetings and auditions. Debra also has a husband who wants her to quit show biz for a year so they can adopt a child. But she is passionate about making a musical about Marilyn,though she and all the partners seem to know nothing about Ms. Monroe. See if you can follow this. One of the musical numbers has Marilyn asking a group of chorus boy ballplayers right out of Damn Yankees about the national pastime because she has just met Joe DiMaggio. This would an okay theme for a song, except it's Marilyn in a red dress singing a la "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend" which would be her super-glamorous movie persona not the charming, modest, natural and sweet girl that Joltin' Joe fell in love with. Don't these "creatives" know the difference? Even if they understood Marilyn, which they don't, they would know she can be imitated and musicalized. She was too unique, too special, too enigmatic and, in many ways, two different people. Add to that that none of the music sounds like the 50s or 60s, the era of Marilyn. It all has that professional but cold Disneyesque sound of today's instant Broadway spectaculars. Have you noticed that this whole post sounds awkward and disconnected? It is, because there's so much to say and I don't have the right thread. That's the same problem with Smash. It's all over the place. It goes from realistic to singing-in-the-streets exaggerated. . And despite a talented cast, the writing is cliche-ridden and predictable. I supposed it could be a success. I doubt it. If I were to write a musical about Marilyn, I would just include the songs she sang, the clothes she wore, and include all the facts that most people don't know about her, Like that she was generous, didn't care about money, was far brighter than anyone knew, and would have left a great body of work if the studios hadn't squeezed her into tight dresses and never let her prove what a versatile actress she was. But I wouldn't write a musical about Marilyn because she can't be recreated. But movie makers keep trying. If you want to see a great backstage story about creating a musical, watch 42nd Street. And if you want to see why we're still fascinated with Marilyn Monroe five decades after her death, go see any one of her movies or look through any of the photo books that prove that no woman was more loved by cameras than Marilyn.

The eyes have it.

When I want to write about a commercial and I can't find it on YouTube of Google, I get a little suspicious. Why? In this case I wanted to comment on the frequently aired commercial for Ocuvite by Bausch & Lomb. You've probably seen the commercials. They feature adults with Paul Newman-blue eyes and suggest that these pills are very beneficial to your eye health. As a person who takes daily drops for glaucoma, I find this claim very suspicious, especially when so many health experts have lately pooh-poohed vitamins in general. I will admit the commercials are intriguing, mostly because they look like an adult version of Village of the Damned. But—call me cynic—I expect any month now to hear on the news that these vitamins, like so many others, are absolutely worthless.

Nearsighted people.

About forty years ago, maybe more, I was very discouraged by having to wear glasses with thick lenses. They weren't exactly Coke bottles, but pretty close. At the time I was going to a reputable Boston ophthalmologist. I remember asking him if it were possible to make thinner lenses with the same formula. I clearly recall his expression of ridicule at the time. He regarded the question as absolutely moronic saying something to the effect of, "Of course not. Lenses have to be a certain thickness to achieve the refraction necessary for each prescription." or something to that effect. I'm sure he later repeated my asinine question with a "Can you believe this?" attitude. Now here we are wearing far thinner lenses in our glasses or—even more amazing— throwaway contacts, proving that this respected doctor didn't know what he was talking about. I would say during my many decades I have met many similar people in a variety of professions who have made similarly idiotic set-in-cement comments and were proven wrong. I recall a director saying, "You never turn your back to the audience." Bullshit. Sometimes it's very effective. In advertising, I have been told endlessly to avoid negative headlines, most recently by Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines who dreamed up the idiotic "Nation of Why Not" campaign. Some of the most successful campaigns have used a negative approach, "Where's the beef?" for example or "Don't leave home without it." Another major example of stupid advice is "Write about what you know". If all writers did that, we wouldn't have any science fiction. That point of this rant is what William Goldman said about Hollywood is pretty much true in every field; "Nobody knows anything". Lots of people reading this will object to how I ended that last sentence since the new "rule" is to put the period inside the quotes. I say screw that. The way I did it seems much more logical to me.

What a gnawseating thought.

Now let me get this straight because I'm a little naive about politics. I especially don't get Republican thinking, but it seems to me that the GOP thinks that this Willard person can be president. So, they feel that most Americans will vote for him despie the fact that:

He has five millionaire sons who have never served in the armed forces.

He has money hidden in Grand Cayman and in European bank accounts.

He makes almost $60,000 a day from investments alone.

He was an alpha rat in a company that put thousands of people out of work and destroyed their pensions.

He gives millions annually to the Mormon church.

Being a Mormon he wears magic underwear and believes all that mumbo jumbo about the golden plates, etc.

While other misguided but ardent Mormon missionaries honorably did their service in some of the world's most miserable hell holes, Willard somehow managed to do his in France.

He has five palatial homes, one being doubled in size to more perfectly fit his ego.

He once believed in abortion and held other philosophical beliefs that he has abandoned for politic's sake.

He thinks nothing of making claims about President Obama that he knows are lies because if he doesn't know they're lies then he's just plain stupid,

He frequently pretends to be an average guy despite making a year's salary every 24 hours, 7 days a week.

He stated he thought we should let the foreclosure problem "play out" though it would mean thousands of Americans in the street, while he ricochets between his five residences

He thinks corporations are people.

And finally—and this is really annoying—He claims he dosn't dye his hair which is so obviously untrue.

The best commercial, despite everything.

All right this is it. It doesn't please me because I think that BP is a despicable, destructive company and they got off too easily for destroying so much of the Gulf Coast. But judging on sheer quality and message I think this is an excellent commercial. It even makes me want to visit Alabama, Louisiana, and Mississippi and I already hate living in Florida. But it is a masterful job of promoting all four states in a single commercial. It probably wasn't done so much out of creativity as BP trying not to have to pay to produce commercials for each state. Still I think it is the best commercial of the year even if BP is one of the worst companies of all time.

I still haven't come up with what I consider the best commercial of the year, and since none of you, save one or two, every write to me me I have no recommendations. I am sure this will inspire a certain Bostonian to make a suggestion. There are lots of commercials I detest, of course. Citi banks accessories commercial with that hideous screaming lyric, "Someone left the gate open." is my most hated, followed closely by that no-talent creep who does the credit report commercials. I can't complain about the technological commercials since I don't understand half of them. I dislike most Xfinity commercials and even though I have Comcast, I don't really know how it differs from Xfiniti. Almost all car commercials are exactly the same. Take a silver car. Build some kind of meaningless concept around it. Tell the consumer absolutely nothing about the product and you're done. Beer commercials are mostly built around male losers who continually ridicule or betray their best friends in their desperate attempt to have sex with a beautiful girl who has nothing but contempt for them. There are not interesting soda ads like those classics of the past. Movie ads are often exciting because they usually usual thrilling music which is never actually in the film. Of course the political commercials are hilarious this year since they're mostly elephants battling elephants. The attacks on Obama are the most humorous since they have absolutely no relation to the brilliant, handsome, charming, hard-working, all-American president of the very same name. Who cares if it's Gingrich or Romney, they're both amoral and dickless? And speaking of impotency, commercials for Viagra, Cialis and that other one are fun if only to see what new phallic symbol they will come up with before they plop the couple incongruously down in a separate bathtubs (can anyone explain that?) . So, you see I'm stymied, but I'd hate to have you kindly come to my blog and find nothing new, so I'll make a point adding something at least every other day. But I do wish you'd send me a note of praise, complaint, anything I an respond to, Even if it's just complaining about my ending a sentence with a preposition.

An example of fewer intelligence.

I reallize that advertising agencies are hiring increasingly illiterate creative teams and, while I find this your typical high-power,silver-car clliche of an auto spot, I am surprised at the tag lines: "More Power. More style. More technology. Less doors." I mean there aren't 24 words in this entire commercial, how diffcult could it be to get them grammatically correct? Any A-minus English student would know it's "fewer doors."

The Case of the Outcast Playwright.

I have never considered myself paranoid. If I even think that people are talking about me, I assume it's all praise. Of course, I'm sure there are lots of comments about the fact that I have never driven and refuse to fly. But paranoid, never! Until now. I have had for several years now, and lately it's increased, the sense that I am being blackballed by the Miami theater community. It's ridiculous, of course, since I am not that important. Still, I am being blackballed or they are completely unprofessional. For instance, the Actors' Theatre on the Miracle Mile. Over the past ten years, I have sent them three plays and never received a response. When I called about one of them, he insisted he never received it. Since I delivered it by hand, I didn't buy that. Over the years I have sent plays regularly to City Theatre, no response. I assumed last year when I sent then ten short plays, that would merit a note or e-mail. Nothing. I recently received a standard plea for support. When I e-mailed my complaint to the new director, I expect an apology. Nothing. At Miami's New Theater, I met director Ricky Martinez during a production of The Glass Menagerie. I told him that I sent a play to the former artistic director who never responded. He assured me that he certainly would. So the next day I hand-delivered the play and never heard from again. He didn't even respond to the "never heard from you again" letter. And finally, and saddest of all, my theatrical hero" director Joe Adler of Gables Stage. Here is a man I have spoken to many times, greatly admire, and feel he is Miami's best director. Despite that he has ignored three plays I have sent to him. Not even a polite, "not for us" note. Recently I found that I was missing my partner's play Home Movies, a brilliant piece of work. I couldn't find a copy and the one in the computer was corrupted. It occurred to me that Joe Adler might still have the copy I sent to him several years before unless he trashed it the day he got it. In desperation I spoke with two of his staff members who said they would look for the script. To be sure I wrote to Joe stressing how important finding the script was. None of those three people ever called back. So what you think? Paranoid? Or is Miami so unprofessional, so inconsiderate of their local playwrights they don't feel any kind of response is necessary. Actually when I mentioned this to a friend today, he said that I shouldn't take a personally; that these egomaniacs are rude to everyone.

Take your choice: one chariot or two.

People do odd things. And one of the oddest is what millions of people do: watch wide-screen movies that "have been modified to fit your tv". I can't understand how anyone can enjoy watching a film like Ben-Hur or Dr. Zhivago knowing that a third or more of the picture is missing because the station didn't run it in letterbox and instead used the method known as pan and scan. Even more amazing is being told that there are lots of viewers who don't even know what letterbox is and complain that the top and bottom of the picture is missing. Is that really possible? Are people that stupid? And why would such people even watch classic wide-screen films. Especially annoying is when you pay Comcast to see a film and they run it in an edited version. It's not worth watchilng. But you still have to pay. They should at least list it as truncated or more accurately "butchered". So once again Turner Classic Movies remains the only network that respects movies and its viewers since they never interrupt with commercials and never "adjust" their films.

As a gay man, I certainly feel we should be given all the rights of straight people.. But I would hope we don't fall into that marriage trap that so many straight people do. Even given license, please let's not spend a fortune on an absurdly costly wedding and reception when the same money could be used as a down payment on a great city condominium or a house in some gay-friendly community. You'll hate me for saying this but two brides or two grooms look silly and imitative.And which groom dances with his father? How would you imitate these time-honored traditions. And why would we want to copy a ritual that was kind of ridiculous in the first place? At least let's come up with our own. I suspect a lot of the hatred for gays is just plan jealousy. No children. More income. Often, but not always in exciting fields. And certainly, if not committed, a far busier sex life. If I were an overweight, tightly reined, straight men with three costly children to put through college, I would hate me, too. But I would feel somewhat better if I passed a church and saw two handsome grooms rushing down the stairs into a waiting stretch lmousine knowing their wedding cost a ton more money than mine did.

People are very bad at giving compliments. I don't understand why. Perhaps because it comes easy to me. I find it very simple to tell someone they are attractive, or a good writer, or have a wonderful sense of style.And while I'm complimenting me, I also pride myself on being specific. Not the vague, "I like that dress" but such added comments as, "What a great color." or "It looks like it was designed just for you." Only comments that are true of course. I realize this recently when I colored my grey hair. I liked the way it looked and I didn't ask many people for their opinion, which didn't stop them from giving it. Two really good friends, both women, said they liked it an I should keep doing it. One added the always nice to hear at almost 70. "I didn't realize you had so much hair." But most people made that dumbest of remark, "Oh, you dyed you hair." which leaves you wondering what that means. It looks good or it looks terrible. Why do people bother with lines like that unless they plan to add some further information. Even when they're being kind, it's annoying. "Gee, I really liked your story." Dead stop. Not a single explanation as to why or a hint they even read it. "Hey, the apartment looks nice." Because? But there is no because. Anyway, back to my hair. Two days ago one woman friend, said, "You hair looks fine. It just needs to be shorter." The same day, a male friend said,"It looks good, it's just needs to be longer." But the clincher yesterday was when a neighbor my age said, "You colored your hair. You look like Red Buttons." Since Red Buttons wasn't the look I was going for and since I feel more comfortable with short hair anyway, I got out the Wahl this morning and buzzed myself to army recruit length and it's very comfortable. I will still color it, of course, because gray hair is very depressing. But I don't think I'll be as generous with my compliments to others in the future. Or at least I will say to the ones who have never been forthcoming, "Oh, I almost didn't recognize you." Then let them wonder why.

It's interesting to note that I can't find any recent Bayer commercials on YouTube. Perhaps they are some place else that I don't know about. Too bad, because I like to point out how fraudulent these commercials are.They not only over-promise health benefits, but they try to suggest that only costly Bayer aspirin can provide such benefits when the same results can be achieved with the 100 tablets for a dollar bottles as some drug stores. But more than anything I like to remind you that Bayer was a German company that produced and provided the Nazis with the gas used in the holocaust. For some reason nobody seems to remember that. And while many Jews I know will not buy German cars or even travel in Germany, they think nothing of purchasing many of the products—often still poisons—made by this company. Included in their product lines is the wildly overpriced Advantage flea medication which costs pennies to produce and a bank loan to purchase.

Note: This commercial is from 1960. Bayer has been bullshitting consumers for ages. I doubt if the subtitles are theirs, but can you find the typo?

Robert Wagner Reverse Mortgage - Urban Financial Group - "Enjoy Life"

Robert Wagner was born in 1930, the son of a wealthy steel executive. He had early success in the movies, did a ton of mostly forgettable movies, married one of the most beautiful women of her time, had a couple of successful tv series and in his 80s doesn't look at all that bad. So why the hell is he doing reverse mortgage commercials? He sure as hell doesn't need the money, unless he's made some really bad investments. It isn't a chance to show his acting skills and it isn't even like reverse mortgages is a completely respectable and helpful service. So why do it? You can understand Henry Winkler doing it. He's not all that famous or maybe not all that rich. And it's easy to figure out why that nobody of an actor who ran for president would do these commercials because I, along with many others, can't even remember his name and he probably needs the money.But Robert Wagner? It's a mystery to me.

Roget not needed.

Was this commercial written by and for 12-year-olds? I hate the lazy use-for-everything word, "cool" but the authors of this spot seem to feel it can easily replace every other adjective in anyone's lexicon.If the new Nissan has all the innovations it describes, it's a pity that their agency can't find a better way to tell you about them than to repeat the already most repeated cliche in communication.