Nexium

Most people won't notice this error or insist it doesn't even exist, but for years it has driven me crazy. I think it started with the Valley Girls. Listen to the first words of this commercial. This announcer, like so many people, can longer pronounce words like wouldn't, didn't or couldn't. They say woonn't, dinn'nt and coon'nt. Most people don't seem to hear it. Do you?

What, no head-on collision?

I don't get this commercial at all. It seems to be a spot for auto insurance. The person gets up in the morning, brushes his or her teeth, dresses and then drives away from home. One expects he or she will soon have a disastrous auto crash and a mysterious insurance man will tell us the victim should have been covered by AcmeApexAmalgamated. But no. Our driver suddenly come to a school crossing and the voice-over is yapping about Capella University while a young girl, who may or may not be the daughter of the unseen driver, is coyly smiling toward the car. It looks like the kind of footage you buy hoping you can write some copy that makes some kind of sense with your product. If that's the case, the advertiser failed.

Fedex: Witness Protection

Too many commercials today are too complicated for their own good. This is one of them. The scenario is so involved it isn't easy to follow the logical. No matter. What intrigues me about this spot is one of the actors flubs a line. I can't see why they would have him do it deliberately, so I suspect that nobody noticed. This wouldn't surprise me as there are often mispronunciations that nobody picks up. An entire Carnival campaign done in Florida had what to me was a glaring mistake on the end of every spot. Nobody ever noticed it. Anyway in this spot he man's name is Gustafson. It's even printed out. But at the very last when the actor says the man doesn't exist he says, "There is no Gufstason." Deliberate or not?

Such a deserving couple!

When you're in advertising you meet lots of nice unknown actors. Most of them dream of that day when they land a national spot and become a household face. That's why it always bothers me when I see agencies who, lacking in creativity, hire a celebrity to do their spots. It's usual someone who already has a ton of money, unlike the actor waiting for a break. Among the most offensive of these celebrities is egomaniac Regis Philbin who saccharines us on TD, Advil and several other commercials. I know many people find him sweet and charming. I see him as a greedy narcissist who will leap at any opportunity to prostitute himself to be on television and pocket another million or more bucks. The latest of his pseudo-nice campaigns is for Advil, in which he brings along his wife for her share of the loot. Will people really buy more Advil because this tiresome couple use it for their tennis elbows? I don't think so. I keep thinking back to my favorite commercial of the year for Suburu with the father and daughter. Great commercial. Why? Because it was creative, warm, believable and had two new faces. I'm sure both those actors are financially better off for having landed that superb spot. Fortunately the account wasn't with an agency that would have used the increasingly aging zillionaire Regis and his his eternally cheerful and equally camera-happy wife.

Prius must be so proud.

There are many ways you could describe this Prius commercial; innovative, imaginative, whimsical, unique, dreamlike, or, perhaps, phantasmagorical. I would describe it as utterly repulsive.

Taking a stand on English.

It seems to me that most Americans refuse to use the English language correctly. Most people don't pronounce the letter "t" within words, ergo: innernet, dennist, Atlannic Ocean, etc. Even announcers like Diane Sawyer and Scott Pelley turn two syllable words into three-letter words. Examples: gambeling, troubeling, bubbeling. So I plan to take a stand on English rules of which I don't approve. For starters, I refuse to write TV. A television set is not a proper noun and there's no reason in the world it should be give that distinction. I had to do it for decades when I wrote for companies like Sears and Zayre, but no more. But here's my most hated rule because I think it's stupid and it's now universally accepted. Please read the following sentence.

John asked Mary, "Are you going to the concert?" That is written correctly, but I hate it. To me it seems illogical. The whole sentence is not a question, why should it end with a question mark? I would write that sentence like this: John asked Mary, "Are you going to the concert?". Discussion over. So when you see I have done sentences like that, don't correct me. I don't care.

The face of a Democrat.

Today, while the greedy Republicans or at least their Congressional puppets are exhausting themselves trying to find ways to avoid paying higher taxes or increased wages, one Democrats stands out even more for his decency and altruism: Paul Newman. Here is a man born with incredible beauty and intelligence who could have lived a life of egotism and indulgence, but didn't. Not only was Paul Newman a successful stage actor, movie star, Academy Award winner, stage and screen director, and championship race car driver, but he was one of America's most beloved and generous philanthropists. His enormously successful company Newman's Own as of July 2011, has given over $300 million to charities. In 1988 he founded the The Hole in the Wall Gang camp, a year round center serving children coping with cancer, sickle cell anemia, and other serious illnesses. In 2011, through summer sessions and family weekend programs at the Camp in Ashford, Connecticut, and year-round outreach to hospitals and clinics throughout the Northeast, the Camp will serve more than 17,500 children— all services are free of charge. These camps are what Newman felt he would be remembered for most. But since his death in 2008, Paul Leonard Newman is not remembered most for one thing, but for a life time of generosity, a long and happy marriage to Joanne Woodward, an incredible body of work, his constant campaigning for the Democrats, his racing, his humor, his incredible blue eyes, and being the kind of caring, generous American millionaire that today we see all too rarely.

Note: With so many photos of Paul Newman to choose from, I selected this. Why? To remind everybody that when you look like this you can spend your life being worshipped and adored without doing another thing.

The 1949 Rodgers and Hammerstein musical South Pacific included America's great hymn protesting intolerance, "You've Got to be Carefully Taught". In this musical, Lt. Cable sang the song to explain to Emile De Becque how we are learn prejudice from early childhood. While it specifically applied in the show to "people whose eyes are oddly made and people whose skin is a different shade" it was a universal theme. It is especially applicable today after the joyous repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". And it occurs to me that one of the show's strongest characters, Luther Billis, was more than likely imagined to be gay by the extremely liberal Oscar Hammerstein II, Despite Billis' eager promotion of the beautiful young girls on Bali Ha'i, he was much more interested in the the Boar's Tooth ceremony and the chance to buy grass skirts for resale. This only reminds us that heroic gay men and woman have been hiding their true identities while they fought valiantly in all our wars.

Less Bang for your buck.

Not only do I like The Big Bang Theory, but I think it's the funniest 10-minute sitcom on television. I say 10-minute sitcom because I don't see how it can be much longer considering the endless commercials that are presented during its running.This was true when it was only a network show; more true now that it's in syndication. This show, more than any other, reminds me that America is a nation of sheep. There's not a reason in the world that we should have to watch so many commercials other than greed and the fact that nobody ever complains about the amount of promotions they are exposed to every day. Broadcasters could make a killing just running a reasonable number of spots, but like most corporations they want to make a super killing and they don't care whom they inconvenience in order to do it. So while I love The Big Bang Theory, it's a constant reminder of how much I detest the obscene amount of advertising with which we are constantly and needlessly barraged.

Note: I wonder how upset evangelicals and other religious nuts (who must watch this show) get with the opening credits which promote evolution and the song which tells us that the earth is at least 14 mlllion years old.

At least it has Beethoven.

This is one of those commercials that after you've seen it once or twice, you never want to see it again. In addition to that, I don't really understand it. This young man is taking out money from an ATM. He doesn't know whether to accept the bank's $3 service charge. A series of people are shown encouraging him to accept the charge with a defeatist sense that he has no choice. He is torn, confused, unwilling, hesitant. Then his girlfriend threatens him if they're late for the movie, so he accepts it the charge.The whole concept is weird. Those who encouraged him made some good arguments. And ultimately he's a wimp. It seems to me that too much time was wasted on the decision and none on Ally explaining who they are and how they can help you. Their past commercials showing the businessman with the kids were great. This is annoying and unclear.

Were you the chef from Le Cujo?

This commercial well done as it is annoys me for several reasons. The first is that the very first words are, "My name is chef Michael". Obviously a lie since nobody is named "chef" and your title is not part of your name. But beyond that, sincere as this sounds, it's a total fraud. There is no chef Michael at Purina. It's an invention designed to make you think some inspired culinary genius created your dogs packaged dinner. So Chef Michael's Canine Creations were probably not "chef-inspired". This is annoying enough, but what's really offensive is that there are at least two famous Chef Michaels: Caines and Smith, both of the British Isles. I don't see why Purina couldn't have done some research before creating an imaginary and unseen celebrity. I think dog owners would be just as happy with Chef Osgood or Chef Vincent.

P.S, What's wrong with copywriters today. Couldn't anybody come up with a dog's name more original than the ubiquitous Bailey

That's an odd first name.

I had hoped to find the longer version of this spot, but it isn't on YouTube. I wanted to show it to you because it has the kind of error that drives me wild. It's a copy error I find unforgivable, especially in a promotion for a university. In the longer commercial this spokesperson who is very proud of managing a network of 1000 nurses says, "My name is Doctor Kimberly Horton." You would think anyone in university would know that your title is not part of your name. And it's just as easy to say, "I'm Doctor Kimberly Horton." For the first commercial that vexed me for this reason and others, check out the following post.

Note: The other annoyance I feel about The University of Phoenix is that one their theme lines is, "We believe an educated world is a better world". Duh. And I believe that not eating glass if better for your health.

Kohler TV Commercial - Possessions

Is this a gay commercial? At first I took it at face value. But think about it. When he arrives at his friend's door, the other attractive guy says, "How did she take it?" Indicating he knew what his friend was going to discuss. "I'll get the wrench." seems to suggest they plan to be living together for more than a few days. Illogical as it is this spot is it has a kind of surreal, foreign-film charm. Why doesn't he have a car? Why move so late? What are those means of transportation? Why is the women with a dog in her bathrobe wearing curlers? Because this is a wish-fulfillment dream sequence with Freudian overtones (the couple kissing at a distance) and a strong homoerotic undertone of which even the sponsor was, probably, unaware.

Funny FedEx commercial

Sorry, but this lousy print was the only version of this commercial I could find on YouTube. I wanted to show you this commercial because it's a great example of a good idea ruined. At least I think so. Everything about this commercial is fine until the young Asian woman says, "What's an executive compensation list?" That's terrible copywriting. Anyone who's important enough to be at a board meeting would know what an executive compensation list is and would be thrilled to have been accidentally handed one. So her response is totally illogical. What she should have said (other than nothing) is, "I don't believe it: an executive compensation list!" Dumb.

What most men will never admit.

This commercial is very clever as are all the commercial featuring this actor, Isaiah Mustafa, who is both incredibly attractive and talented. Not so amusing are the new commercials not featuring him, one showing a returning sea captain shouldering an octopus releasing gold doubloons which look like they will suffocate the captain and his beautiful mate. But forget the commercials. Let's discuss the product, at leas the original classic Old Spice cologne. Cologne snobs, of which there are many, revile Old Spice. They see it as cheap, common, and unworthy. I think this is ignorant of them because it's one of the great cosmetic products of the 19th century and it's still popular because it's a unique and distinctive scent: fresh, clean and masculine. Since I don't really worry about status colognes, I have used Old Spice over the decades along with more costly colognes like Moustache and the products of Halston and Calvin Klein. Truth is I always got far more compliments on Old Spice than anything else. Women love it because it reminds them of dad or someone they else they loved. Or they hate it for the same reason. The same is true of men—along with the snob factor—who regard it—wrongly—as inferior. Apparently the company, Procter & Gamble who purchased the brand from Shulton in 1990, also has no confidence in its own product based on their humorous rather than sensuous commercials. I don't care what people say: I think Old Spice is the best smelling of all men's colognes (a comment sure to infuriate many) and if it had always been priced and bottled like Clive Christian No. 1, even the snobs would buy it—if they could afford it.


Note: Arguably the world's most expensive men's cologne, Clive Christian No. 1 for Men features top notes of bergamot, lime, Sicilian mandarin and cardamon; a heart of Lily of the Valley, rose, jasmine and ylang ylang; and a base of cedarwood, sandalwood, vetyver and ambery woods. The scarcity of these ingredients and the six months it takes for the spiciness to crystalize give the cologne its extraordinary price. A regular bottle of Clive Christian No. 1 can be had for as little as $650. Sadly, the limited Imperial Majesty edition bottle is no longer available. If you can locate one of these handmade lead crystal bottles sporting a brilliant cut white diamond in a gold collar, expect to pay $2,350. P.S. I also love the
classic Old Spice bottle.

Those pesky people next door.

The following news item appeared today. Apparently the French are not terribly concerned and, in fact, President Nicolas Sarkozy pledged that France will stick to a plan to invest euro1 billion ($1.37 billion) in future nuclear reactors. Neighboring Germany, on the other hand, took eight of its older reactors off the grid in the wake of the Japanese disaster and plans to shut the country's nine remaining nuclear plants by 2022.

PARIS -- A nuclear waste site in southern France had an explosion Monday that killed one person, seriously burned another and slightly injured three others, France's nuclear safety body said.

The Nuclear Safety Authority said no radioactive leaks have been detected in the blast at 12:37 p.m. (1037 GMT, 6:37 a.m. EDT) at an oven in the Centraco nuclear site. The accident was under control within the hour, the agency said in a statement.

One season too many.

Curb Your Enthusiasm was, for seven seasons, very funny, if a bit overly crude. But this year it's beyond overly crude and not at all funny. Hard to believe that someone as brilliant as Larry David would lose his sense of humor so completely that he cannot tell utter trash from his usual wit. For starters he's made the Woody Allen mistake, which is to set himself up as someone with whom women like having sex. True, he's not as withered and old as Woody, but it is rather repulsive to see him portrayed as horny, potent and desirable. While there are many interesting guest stars, they may not all be seen at their best. I think Rosie O'Donell did herself a great disservice by playing herself as predatory, super butch and utterly obnoxious. But probably the most offensive aspect of this season is Leon. Of course, Leon, was disgusting last season. David apparently feels that it's hilarious for a black man to constantly swear and use every conceivable vile appellation in refering to women. It's not funny so much as it is creepy, misogynistic and mystifying. I think with Suzie we have enough swearing and once one has inured oneself to her vulgarity, it's funny. Having Leon unleash an even more crude barrage of curses is way over the top. But it's more than the swearing, a hallmark of HBO, the timing is off, the bits are transparent, and New York setting doesn't help.As much as I loved this show once I now feel that Curb Your Enthusiasm falls into the same category as Curb Your Dog.

The last laugh.

Our society is nuts. Today, Sunday, we are commemorating the 10th anniversary of 9-11 attack. At ground zero ceremonies the media report that President Obama and former President George Bush will stand side by side. This seems to me to be total insanity. Having George Bush at the 9-11 ceremonies is like inviting Dr. Mengele to attend a commemoration at Auschwitz . If Bush hadn't been so incompetent and stupid, if he had read his memos and taken appropriate action, there would not have been a 9-11.Not only do I fault him for that disaster, but being a raging asshole he then sent us to a false war with Iraq in which many thousands of soldiers and civilians died. And as they were dying, he was playing golf, taking vacations and even making jokes about the weapons they did not find which were the false raison d'etre to send our soldiers to their deaths. What is wrong with us.? This man should be in prison. Yet we invite him to a solemn ceremony, show him a respect completely undeserved and act as he were a statesman rather than the heartless and moronic war criminal that he is. This is madness.

A quickie!

Some apples do fall far from the tree. And, oddly enough, he looks like he's carved from an apple.

Stop me before I renew again!

I don't know why I subscribe to Reader's Digest, it's an amateurish publication that feels more like a newsletter.While its politics are not as transparently and odiously Republican as they used to be, it does feel very churchy. So why do I read it? Maybe it's because it has so many short articles and lately it has included some good advice about health, exercise, finances, etc. Most of it is badly written. I would guess from its articles and advertising, it's pretty much designed for seniors these days. But its staff must be young because many of its jokes are such old chestnuts it's hard to imagine the editors would even include them. Somebody actually got paid for the ancient joke with the punchline, "What time can you get here." Even Henny Youngman retired that years before he died. A recent cartoon was probably the worst I've ever seen in a magazine. Two men are sitting in opposite chairs. One says, "I want to communicate more and you want less." The other responds, "So let's compromise and communicate more or less." This is in a national magazine! They also have a featured called "Ask Laskas" for which they have a disclaimer that reads "Jeanne Marie Laskas is not a shrink, but she does have common sense." Unlike Abby, Laska's advice is never trenchant. This month a couple asked her if they were required to spend the same amount on their son's wedding that they did on their daughter's. Here response in essence, was no, but if you have the money go ahead and help. She never once mentioned that it is the custom for the bride's family to foot the cost. Why am I even writing about this? No good reason. Except it's Saturday and I feel I should write something. Plus this morning I noticed another thing about Reader's Digest that baffles me. The ads. On the back page of the August issue there is an ad for Align probiotics. This is very costly ad space. But it appears that the sponsor, Proctor and Gamble just sent RD a larger ad to be reduced for the RD format. This seems pretty stupid to me since it makes the type promoting the product so small as to be unreadable. I'll bet nobody at Reader's Digest thought to call P & G and suggest that they blow up the type for better readability, ergo more sales. I really should not subscribe to this mediocre publication, but I have found it helpful to know, "25 things your eye doctor won't tell you."

Another feel good film from Hollywood.

I broke one of my recent rules today and went to the movies.(Movies are too loud and audiences are hopelessly ill-mannered.) I couldn't help it, I have a fascination with plagues and epidemics. So, naturally I had to see "Contagion" especially since it's in THX. Before I tell you about the movie, let me say I think that going to movies is no longer just risky to your hearing; I think it's dangerous. Before the film began, there were nine—count them nine—coming attractions (all right, trailers). Each one was played at super volume,and since all were filled with gunfire and explosive I could feel the loudness in my ears (which were plugged with paper) and in my chest and head. I'm surprised more patrons don't leave theaters in ambulances. And keep in mind most people, unlike me, do not plug their ears and therefore receive the full blast, or as the promo says, "12,000 watts of digital surround sound." Admittedly the movie is not as ear-splitting loud. The film itself was so-so, not much better than 1995's "Outbreak." Actually it was pretty bad considering the number of stars it boasted, including always believable Matt Damon; Gwyneth Paltrow who checks out very quickly; Elliot Gould; Jude Law; Marion Cotillard, Laurence Fishburn; Kate Winslet; and an actress easily confused with Kate Winslet in the earl scenes, Jennifer Ehle. Why they bothered with THX I can't fathom as there was nothing in the scope and theme to demand any kind of extra effects. The only thing really interesting about this movie is that it could happen. And, if it does, it will probably be a lot like this, except not in THX.

Getting your kid on a sugar high.

I hate this commercial, of which there are several equally maudlin versions. Why? For lots of reasons. One is I find it disgraceful that advertisers can't find any way for a man to bond with his son other than sports. Two, I hate Kellogg's because I consider them among the greediest manufacturers, charging, as they do, a fortune for mostly air. I also resent that they are one of the worst offenders in creating ads to manipulate children and always have been. This spot is a good example of their cartoons making it into prime time. And I particularly dislike this commercial for trying to make this little interlude seem so charmingly parental, and so healthfully athletic, when in effect this father is feeding his kid a bowl of mostly sugar in the middle of the day.

Don't play this commercial!

Oh, no! Just when I thought we had seen the last of those irritating free credit score commercials, here comes another one with another irritating ditty and another message that you know is out to scam some unsuspecting consumer. I'm assuming the goon in the cart is the same curly-headed dweeb we've put up with before. If you dare play this spot, you'll see that it has the same pleased with itself attitude that all the other mediocre spots had. Yuck.

Let's hear it for me.

Today Mitt Romney spoke in Nevada. And it looks to me like he might have done something that has always been reserved for the great opera singers, especially the divas. I could be wrong of course, but I think he had a claque. For those of you not familiar with this outdated word, a claque is a group of people hired by a artiste to attend his or her performance and express rhapsodic adoration. So many of his lines were met with immediate and similar enthusiasm and applause, I found the tone very suspicious, especially since Mitt is not that compelling a speaker. Today, however, many of his lines seemed to achieve a burst of excitement, as if he had hit that high note nobody expect he could reach. Even his stammering pauses did not dampen the enthusiasm of this crowd. Call me a cynic, but I have a feeling a whole lot of people have a little more money to gamble with tonight in the great state of Nevada.

That looks like a nice bank.

SunTrust does such nice, warm commercials. They tell you how much they value you, how decent and honest they are, how caring. It's very moving. But it kind of makes me wonder why my SunTrust, which is one of the biggest banks in Coral Gables right on the Miracle Mile almost never has anyone available when I come in. Nobody says, "We'll be right with you, sir." Despite all the teller's cages, there are rarely more than two to service the line. Also unlike almost every other bank, the SunTrust ATM can only do one transaction at a time. If you want a second, you have to re-enter your card and code and start all over again. But even worse is that the ATM on the Mile has been faulty for three months now, so one can get money, but not one's balance. Still I've been too lazy to move my checking account from there, but have opened up other accounts at TD Bank down the street, which is an incredibly accommodating bank. They even have free coin counting machines and water dishes for thirsty dogs. I wonder if any SunTrust banks are anything like those nice commercials.

Justice denied in Perugia.

Amanda Knox goes back on trail today. I have read several books about this case and cannot believe for a moment that Knox and her boyfriend had anything to do with this obscene murder. The idea that highly attractive Amanda and her handsome Harry Potter lookalike boyfriend, Raffaele Sollecito, were so excited about having a foursome with Amanda's roommate, Meredith Kercher, and a not very attractive local Ivory Coast drifter, Rudy Guede, that when she refused they all murdered her. Ridiculous. Absurd. Insane. There is no doubt in my mind that Rudy Guede murdered Kercher and being an amoral shit never fessed up. Because Amanda and her boyfriend didn't behave like the sorrowful, devastated mourners that Roman Catholic prosecutor Giuliano Mignini felt they should, he concluded that they helped murder Kercher and did everything in his power to make the skimpy evidence say so. At the present trial, it is being proven that the DNA was faulty, the knife evidence was faulty, and some of the witnesses less than honest. Which doesn't mean that this kangaroo court will set Amanda and Raffaele free. They have been in prison since November 2007. For some reason, Italy has bestowed excessve power on this corrupt and paranoid prosecutor who has been shown in the past to point the finger at innocent people. One writer, Douglas Preston, came to Italy to do a book on the "Monster of Florence". When Mignini accused him of being the killer because he knew so much about the case—duh— he had to flee Italy or end up like Amanda Knox.

You sure don't want to be mean like Kathy.

One of my favorite pastimes (can never get over that word doesn't have two ts) is posting on HuffPost. Today Kathy Griffin was mentioned for suggesting (how could she?) that Marcus Bachmann is gay. This prompted a contributor to send in the following diatribe against Kathy. I think when you get to the end you'll find it as ironic as I do.

"Her primary "redeeming quality" is appealing to myrmidons with 2-digit I.Q.'s. Have you noticed that her idea of "humor" is to insult and belittle others? Nothing else, that's her whole schtick. How truly pathetic. Most people cease finding that sort of garbage humorous by the time they finish middle school!!! Of course if she were a conservative attacking liberals (and their children, spouses, churches, etc) HP would be screaming about what a hate-filled bigot she is. But I don't expect any better from them. Maybe we'll get lucky and she'll develop a nice lethal cancer soon!!!!"

Note: I have no idea what a myrmidon is and don't intend to look it up. I guess this poor poster has never heard of Don Rickles.

A poser.

Is it fair to detest someone just because you think they're a raging asshole? Is it wrong to find somebody's face absolutely repugnant because you know they're a raging, Republican, narrow-minded, Tea Party bigot? If somebody starts to lose an argument and uses as their main weapon a really obnoxious smirk should one wish they could slap that stupid, shit-eating grin off their smug face? Or is that being unfair? I'm not thinking of anyone specific; it's just a kind of general question.

Where's the bible?

Here's another commercial I find absolutely nauseating. For starters it's incredibly judgemental, sickeningly sanctimonious and one step removed from being an evangelical promotion. How dare this greedy, money-grubbing HMO decide what fulfills a person. And apparently they feel its a large, attractive, prosperous and—very important—all white and preferably blonde family. I would suspect the people in this commercials would be more likely to have a better and more comprehensive plan than Humana. But I guess Humana didn't want to show their actual multi-colored and often struggling customers.

Note: I noticed that Humana has done a black version of this commercial. I guess they don't believe in integration.

Some really jerky jingoism.

I've noticed that almost any commercial that begins with the words "We believe" is usually followed by some asinine statement. Like this commercial for USAA Bank. It opens with the line, "At USAA Bank we believe that honor is not exclusive to the military." Duh. What an idiotic line. That's like saying, "We believe sunrise is not limited to the West Coast." Of course honor is not limited to the military. Nobody ever said it was. Nobody even thinks it is. So why base an entire commercial on a completely bogus premise. I am guessing that this bank has special benefits for members of their military and family, which is fine. Find a better way to state that rather than this really annoying and utterly stupid opening comment.