A new word for an old failing.

I want to introduce a new word into the vocabulary: onlyism. A person guilty of onlyism is an onlyist. He or she is that incredibly rude person who seems to feel they are the only person in the world or at least the only one that counts. You see these people every day in 10-items-or-less lines with 15 items, illegally parking in handicapped zones, trying to get to the head of a queue, talking or checking their brightly lit cell phones in a movie theater during the film. You see them in increasing numbers every day. The onlyist I saw today was at Starbucks. She sat down in a chair right next to a man who was quietly working on his computer. She immediately telephoned a friend who appeared on her screen and they began a loud conversation which was obviously distracting to her quiet neighbor. I noticed this from across the room. She didn't, of course. How could she? She's an onlyist.

michael c. hall - dodge tent event commercial

No monkey here.

This commercial is only the latest of hundreds of commercials, movies, books and other forms of communication that refers to a chimpanzee as a monkey. A chimp is not a monkey. A chimp is an ape. In fact it's one of the great apes along with gorillas and orangs. I don't understand how a company like Dodge can spend so much money on advertising and add such an uneducated punch line. They stand corrected.

Note: It is now Mid-August and I noticed they have changed the commercial. Now instead of seeing the chimp, the announcer refers to him as "an invisible monkey." Apparently they made the change after a complaint by PETA, not about referring to him as a monkey of course, but I guess they didn't like him playing with dynamite. Invisible or not, it's still obvious that the detonator is a chimp.

What's in the suitcase you're carrying?

From time to time I get bored discussing commercials (which are mostly boring) so I plan to include other cranky copywriter gripes or praise for such things as movies and books. Like the following. I first noticed it in Ingmar Bergman's 1978 film, Autumn Sonata. Since then I have come aware that it is epidemic in movies, even films by the finest directors. It amazes me that it even happens. You think someone would point it out, possibly even the actor. But they don't. And it remains: the empty suitcase syndrome. We all have had to carry suitcases sometime in our life. And usually they're heavy. Why? Because they are packed with things. But not in the movies. When people get off trains in films, or arrive at the airport, or show up at a hotel, their luggage is as light as air. They don't grunt when picking it up; they don't seem eager to put it down. Why? Because it's empty. It is so empty that it spoils the realism of the scene. The same is true of wrapped packages. Not only do they always seem to include many empty boxes, but unlike real-life packages, movie gifts only require you to lift the ribboned lid to reveal the present inside. You would think Hollywood would have noticed this flaw decades ago and changed it. But they haven't. Today, even the newest movies feature the ever-empty suitcase.

Note added October 25. Last night on Boardwalk our fallen heroine was moved from her tacky home into a posh residence by her wealthy protector. The servant who was helping her with this transition was obviously carrying two empty suitcases. Though previously engrossed, this error screamed soundstage!

Morning Drive - Maxwell House Commercial

Warm coffee or cold beer?

Are beer drinkers jerks and coffee drinkers warm, wonderful people? It would seem so from many of today's TV commercials. Beer spots seemed to be directed at post-adolescent, sexually infantile, often selfish young men while coffee commercials reach out to the returning vets, loving parents and families full of generosity and goodwill. I'm not complaining. I've always liked the Folger's commercials where each day starts with hot coffee and people waking to another happy day. When I was a kid Maxwell House began its campaign of warmth by sponsoring Mama, featuring the coffee-loving Norwegian family: the Steiners of San Francisco. A perfect match. It established them as caring and they have kept up that image ever since with their unchanging "Good to the last drop" slogan. I especially like their newest commercial in which a father watches his son prepare to deliver newspapers on a rainy morning and volunteers to drive him on the route without making the kid lose face. Charming. I wonder if beer commercials will ever show really nice people.

Education Video Conferencing - Cisco Telepresence

I wanna live there.

While I was not a fan of Juno, I am a huge fan of Ellen Page, at least in the Cisco commercials. She brings the perfect touch of warmth and naivete to these spots. And while I'm not quite what Cisco does (teleconferencing? security systems?) I would like to move to their mythical town where everyone seems friendly and you can just pop in on the local doctor, when he's not in Europe. My favorite moment in these spots is the flashback when Ellen, as a youngster, is frightened by a bull (cow?). Can anyone really be as nice and fresh and real as Ellen Page appears to be?

It's not enough.

You would think the purpose of a Dannon Light and Fit commercial with the beautiful Heidi Klum would be to suggest that the product is both delicious and satisfying. Well, they got the first part right in this commercial. Shown sitting at a what I assume is a spa, Heidi obviously loves the taste of Light and Fit. As another guests watches, Heidi ravenously licks the container and spoons out any residue with her finger. This says to me that the product is skimpy, one doesn't have enough and you would have several containers, at 80 calories each, to feel any sense of satisfaction. Plus it doesn't say much for Heidi's table manners.

What's for dinner at Monticello?

In the ever-imitative world of advertising, we seem to have a plethora of commercials featuring our founding fathers. Jefferson, Washington, Franklin. These and other periwigged colonists have been used lately on everything from political attacks to an automobile being driven by George Washington. One of the worst of these illogical spots this one for Kraft. While it is nicely filmed and costumed, it is incredibly illogical. If Jefferson had anything to do with macaroni and cheese recipes it was not in our history books (but then we're not in Texas). Kraft, for some bizarre reason portrays the brilliant Thomas Jefferson as petulant, destructive and, in general, a pain in the ass. I think portrayals of early patriots is best left to documentaries and films like 1776. Kraft seems to be on a losing streak with a stack of cheesy commercials, this being one of the latest and dumbest.

New KRAFT HOMESTYLE Macaroni and Cheese Dinner TV Commercial - Jefferson...

Order before midnight tonight.

I've decided that most commercials are deceptive if not outright lies, not just those quack products for fast weight loss, instant muscles and erectile dysfunction. But even the brand names lie. A popular pain reliever does not offer relief for 12 hours. Optical providers only gives you two pairs of glasses for $99 if you don't want thin lenses, unbreakable glass, attractive frames or other costly options that you do want. I don't think anything relieves a sore throat. The only cough medicines that seem to work are the ones that knock you out. No carpet cleaner gets your carpet looking new. Processed foods are not like homemade and are never as generously proportioned as they appear on commercials. Electric shavers do not shave as close as blades. And blade makers are constantly adding another row of blades to convince you the razor you bought last week sucks and this newer far costlier one is superior. No soft drink makes you suddenly a more energetic and amiable person. No yogurt is as satisfying as any brand name ice cream. No insurance company really cares about you, no matter how beautifully they say they do. Coffee does not bring your family closer, nor does bringing home a popular take-out food. I am not using brand names here because almost everyone is guilty. Truth in advertising is a thing of the past, so you have to be really careful what you buy and what you believe. Although maybe I'm being cynical and maybe that oil company really feels bad about destroying the Gulf Coast and truly cares about all the lives they've ruined. You know, like they say in their commercials.

"Get out of my cab!!!!!!!"

I don't know who it is that loves to watch people eat huge mustard-, cheese-, and ketchup-loaded burgers, but it sure ain't me. But someone must or McDonald's wouldn't have so many commercials with people greedily biting into those juicy timebombs. One of the newest has a series of young professional types hailing cabs and telling the drivers not to hurry. Why? Because they want to eat their enormous Angus three-pounders in the back seat. First of all I don't know why they couldn't eat them at McDonalds, unless they find being at those tight tables surrounded by so many huge people unpleasant. Second it's incredibly rude for them to eat in the taxi, especially a sandwhich that is sure to smell up the vehicle so much that the poor driver will have to air it out—that is if he doesn't punch them out first for being so inconsiderate. If McDonald's is going to turn us into a nation of overweight slobs, they could at least spare us commercials that are nothing less than lessons in rudeness.

Postscript: Since writing this post, I have had two occasions to take cabs. Both times I asked the drivers how they felt about people eating in the back of their cabs. Both drivers said they wouldn't permit it. One said it matter-of-factly. The other vociferously stated, "Nobody eats in my car!"

A truly cheesy commercial.

Sorry, but I cannot find the video for this tasteless commercial for Kraft Deli Deluxe Cheese. In this spot, a guy dressed as a bomb squad disposal officer shows up at an outdoor event where a woman is about to put Deli Deluxe on a sandwich. A: I don't quite get the connection since even the most powerful cheese isn't explosive, we hope. And B: I think it's a bit indecent to trivialize a highly dangerous job where people put their lives on the line. I think Kraft missed the mark with this commercial.

Less is much, much more.

This commercial for Intel Core Processors is a perfect example of brilliant understatement. The conversations between the two workers seem completely natural and real. The girl is especially perfect with her laid-back delivery, notably with her perfunctory last line "Hey, Walter." Having her behave as if this this amazing mail delivery creature as perfectly ordinary and returning to her computer screen is inspired. This is one of those rare, quiet commercials that I could watch again and again. Other spots in the series are also wonderfully done, notably the one in the lunchroom in which an employee inadvertently hurts a robot's feelings.

Intel Core Processers 1