Okay, they're not gay commercials, still....

There are almost no gay commercials on American television, although I think there was one for IKEA a while back. However, there are several commercials that might cause one to wonder if there is a hidden message. I'll comment on two. In one our friend Flo for Progressive is talking with two young men. It seems one sold his watch to the other. They seem very close. When she convinces them of the savings one receives with Progressive, it becomes clear the "friend" is not planning to sell the watch back. Despite Flo calling this "cold" it seems like that watch might end up on the same night table. The other spot is a bit subtler and more suggestive. It is for Restasis, a tear-producing medication. The attractive blonde patient and the attractive brunette ophthalmolist seem to have more than casual eye contact and are especially pleased that they both will be using Restasis twice a day, possibly in their new home together. All right, the theme may not be there, but it could be.

"I'm sorry, I'm with a patient right now. Perhaps you should make an appointment."

Don't you love all these commercials for medicines or diet supplements that encourage you to "consult with your doctor" before beginning any regimen? As if doctor's visits were free. Or all you have to do is pick up the phone to have a friendly little chat with your kindly physician. Can't you just imagine trying to reach your costly doctor to ask him if he thinks you should start an aspirin-a-day routine or take the appetite supressant you saw on an infomercial that night you couldn't sleep because you didn't have any more of those pills your doctor absolutely refused to refill during your last paid visit.

More "Give me a break" commercials.

I can't keep posting about commercials that lack any kind of reality. There are too many of them. In a Jell-O® commercial as part of the product's Giggle Tour, children are handing out little tubs of the dessert to New Yorkers on the street. Each businessman or construction worker seems to be as delighted as if they were getting freshly made eclairs. Jello is fine if there's no other dessert around or if you have just gotten back from a major operation, but it does not create unsurpassed joy, unless it has fruit in it, and even then. Another absurd commercial is for Nature Valley Sweet and Salty Nut Bar. In this rustic nonsense, two females are kayaking on a river. A bearded hunk onshore bites into a sweet and salty bar causing each of them to lose control of their kayaks as they gaze enviously at his delicious treat. Hmmm. If they were that hot for Nature Valley bars, why didn't they just buy a box before they headed downstream?

Does Tequila rot your brain?

In a commercial for Hornito's Tequila one young man brags to his friend that he met an attractive cougar the night befores. As he dials that woman's number on his cell, the friend incongruously says, "Whoa my family's in town." Just then the cell phone on a nearby table rings and both men immediately wonder if the cougar could be the visiting mother. This is the perfect example of a supposedly funny commercial that lacks any kind of logic, beginning with the number of phones that may be ringing at any one time. I guess the only point was to remember the name of the tequila, which I didn't until I made it a point to write it down. In fact, I so didn't recall the name that I didn't even realize until later that a commercial I like is for the same product. In this spot a very hard looking woman is calling in sick. But we soon realize she is doing it for a young man who is making use of her raspy, whisky voice. Much more clever than the cougar spot.

Love it. Hate it.

The commercial I love is for Sears Optical in which the woman who is ready for bed inadvertently welcomes a raccoon into her house rather than her, we assume, plump lookalike cat. The funny part is not just what we see, but what we can imagine happening later when she realizes her error. In another commercial in this campaign a man puts dog food on the barbecue rather than charcoal. While it's mildy amusing, it's spoiled by the distraction of two kids wrestling in the background. Why did they feel that was needed? The campaign I find irritating is for Swiffer Duster Extender. Personifying such items as mops and feather dusters doesn't work for me and using the song "Who's that Lady?" doesn't add a thing.

Killer TV commercials.

"Capturing the wind and putting it to good use." is just one of the gentle messages in one of the oh-so-gentle G.E. commercials. In this beautifully photographed spot a young boy goes to a hilltop to capture the wind and take it home to his birthday-celebrating grandfather. The wind blows out the candles on the cake as the rustic family looks on with amused wonder. I find this commercial creepy knowing that G.E. is one of the most successful war profiteers and has been from the beginning. In this and other aren't-we-wonderful commercials, G.E presents themselves as very human, very humane, very caring about nature, while every year their weapons of war and toxic chemicals murder and maim people like the boy who caught the wind and his entire loving family.

Where did that come from?

In life families obtain their morning orange juice from the carton in the fridge. In commercials it's always in an elegant pitcher sitting on the table. I am sure some people do pour the carton of juice into a pitcher—after all you like things to be elegant when you're all rushing off to work of school. But I think most of us don't. So why wouldn't purveyors of such products give us situations we can identify with? Just as bad are the commercials showing people at work who just happen to have a super-sized box of Special K or other cereal sitting on their desk.

Bottom of the morning to you.

In a McDonald's commercial, a young man with tousled-hair crankily rebukes several friendly people to not talk to him until he's had his coffee. I guess I'm supposed to find this rude, self-indulgent neurotic amusing, but I don't. I have always found it an irritating concept that a person can't be amiable until he or she has been pumped with caffeine. If I were scolded by such a person in the morning, I would say, "How about I don't talk to you at all." Or maybe it would be more fun to be greeted by him later in the day, after he has been restored to humanity. Then I could say, "Don't talk to me until I've had my afternoon stick of gum."

Are we really that sick?

When I was younger many of the evening's TV commercials were for over-the-counter medications: Anacin®, Pepto-Bismol® and "flop, flop, fizz, fizz" Alka Seltzer®. You know mostly remedies for headaches and upset stomachs. Now the hours from 6 till 10 pm are filled with pharmaceutical advertising. We must have developed all kinds of awful illnesses in the past 20 years. Today we are told to consult our doctor about Spiriva®, Boniva®, Avodart®, Lovaza®, Lipitor®, etc. Then, as soon as they tell us how wondrous these drugs are, they point out the possible side effects like dizziness, failure to urinate, confusion, blindness and heart failure. I am always impressed that anyone is willing to risk sudden death for the chance to clear away a persistent rash. Plus, there's no need for any of these products if we can believe any of the cereal commercials. It seems they have the magical ability to lower cholesterol, build muscle and make you smile endlessly and be much nicer to your family. So why the hell should I pay $50 a month for a bottle of costly pills when I can just buy a box of Honey Nut Cheerios?

Bless you, Sister Bertrille.

Today when so many actors of the past are appearing in commercials and depressing us with how dramatically they have aged, Sally Field still looks fabulous. At 64, she doesn't look much different then when she was a nun flying around Puerto Rico or an Oscar winner saying, "You like me. You really like me." Back then we did like her and we still do. Boniva was smart to make her their spokesperson. I want to take the product and I don't even need it.

If a train is travelling 60 miles an hour....

I hate mathematical puzzles because I'm not good at them. But here's a commercial that completely baffles me. It's for Scotch Blue painter's tape, a product which I think is terrific. The woman using it says, "After I painted this wall, I masked it with Scotch Blue painter's tape to add another color." But the wall has three colors: white and two two other colors in the orange/rust family. Now if she means she painted the wall white, then masked it, she added not another, but two other, colors. If the wall was already white, then she didn't paint the wall and then add the tape, as she would had to mask it before she added both the second and third color. This commercial like the smell of paint itself gives me a headache.

Cruise ship ads are floundering.

What could be an better vacation than a Caribbean cruise? Or any cruise? Almost everything is included and you get to visit several destinations without having to pack, unpack, pack, unpack. All for a per-diem price that's usually less than a good hotel. Then why are cruise line ads so boring? RCCL promotes "The Nation of Why Not," a totally self-conscious concept that they seem unable to flesh out with any true wit. Carnival has tried several campaigns and keeps promoting their waterslide as a major feature. Don't they realize that there are water parks with far better slides almost everywhere? They also seem to be obsessed with something that is available on any cruise line: white towels twisted to look like cute animals. Yippee! Finally while it's true that a cruise is great for manic, high-energy vacationers, it's just as pleasurable for those who are seeking a relaxing sit-in-the-shade and gaze at the ocean getaway. I haven't seen this latter cruiser shown lately. Guess what? They have money, too.

Piggy banks would have been better.

Today far too many commercials give us quick cuts of people all doing the same thing. I guess it's supposed to show us the variety of personalities who are users of the advertisers product. One of the most annoying is Regions Bank. In their commercials we see a variety of people shaking a large cylidrical can (is that redundant?) that says "SAVE." This is a commercial without a concept. They didn't even have enough imagination to have the can feature a logo or at least the bank's colors. Each of these is one of those commercials that when it's over you wonder, "What was that all about?" To make it even worse the sign-off line is about as general and trite as they get, "It's time to expect more." I do expect more from Regions—better commercials in their next campaign.

A fear of common scents.

Since 1938, Old Spice has been one of the most popular colognes in America. To my mind, nothing smells better or cleaner. But since it is not that costly and lacks snob appeal, one often gets a look of disdain at merely mentioning it. Nevertheless the men who have the confidence to wear what they like will realize that most women adore the smell of Old Spice. I would get more compliments for OS than any of the prestigious and costly colognes (and men's colognes are costly). It's a great and classic cologne with a distinctive bottle which has been little changed over the past 72 years (it originally featured a variety of renowned sailing ships not the yacht logo featured on today's bottle). Today I noticed a commercial for yet another wonderful classic fragrance that terrifies cologne snobs: Aqua Velva. If either of these scents weren't great, they wouldn't have lasted so long. So there, Calvin Klein!

Young copywriter. Old expression.

On a new tv commercial for Breyer's ice cream sandwiches, the announcer suggests that when we were children the mere mention of ice cream would throw us into a "tizzy." I question the use of this word, which means a frenzied state of excitement and possibly includes confusion. When I was a child a tizzy was almost like a tantum. It was certainly not something we went into at the mention of always-welcome ice cream. It would be more related to having to eat liver or spinach. So while Breyer's is trying to be very nostalgic, I think they had better research their expressions of the past or at least make sure the copywriter's mother knew what tizzy meant.

Stubble, stubble, toil and trouble.

Among the many products they keep reinventing and telling us we were fools to be satisfied with the past models are toothbrushes, shaving creams, shampoos, razors (how many rows of blades are we up to now?) and electric shavers. The newest triple-header from Philllips Norelco is pretentiously called The Architect. Like every electric shaver commercial it shows us a handsome young man happily removing his nearly non-existent beard. But young men have smooth, tight skin, which is rather easy to shave. I would like to see an electric shaver commercial using an older man with deep furrows and those always-hard-to-shave jowls. The commercial closes with a pitch for their pre-shave product. If the shaver is as good as they say, why would you need a pre-shave?

Does someone have a hammer?

I can't recall who the person was who first stole a garden gnome, took it on an extended vacation, and photographed it in such glamorous settings as Paris, London and Rome. It was a very clever idea—at the time. However, every reincarnation of it since has been a bore. The most boring of these bores are the Travelocity commercials in which the gnome with the super-irritating voice is seen either bored at home or living the high life in some hotel. Borrowed ideas are rarely impressive and the only reason I can even possibly stand these commercials is because a talented art director friend likes them and I have got to figure out why.

Promises. Promises.

The commercials for both Red Lobster and Olive Garden are mouth-wateringly wonderful. The

beauty shots of succulent lobster dripping with melted butter and the closeups of fat, luscious shrimp make you want to leap up and head for the nearest outlet. Of course, you feel the same way when you see those spectacular pasta dishes and garlic bread for Olive Garden. The only problem is that the commercials are always far more appetitizing than the entrees at either of these restaurants. Every time I have been to either of these chains (not that often, I will admit) I found the food decidedly ordinary and others have told me the same thing. So, in this case, I can't give my compliments to the chef, but instead send my compliments to the ad agencies.

Favorite commercial.

All right, call me sentimental, but my favorite commercial at this time is Liberty Mutual's "Helping Hands" spot. In it a person gives a helping hand to a stranger, which is witnessed by another stranger, who gives a helping hand to another stranger, and so on. Whoever directed this commercial has a great feeling for people as everyone expresses their emotions with absolutely believability. Love the commercial and the pay-it-forward message.

Once is quite enough.

While there are many commercials I enjoy seeing repeatedly, there are just as many I don't want to see more than once and not even once. These include any commercial with different consumers joylously and repeatedly biting into a product with accompaning sound effects (e.g. Kit-Kat). Add to that products for juices in which the product is poured into a pitcher (glass, bowl) from above and splashing all over the table. Who does that? I bore instantly with commercials that are only special effects like the Comcast pitchman moving from room to room. I'm also not crazy about the special effects for Cialis in which a couple pauses from painting a room to have a quickie (unless he has an erection "that lasts for more than four hours"). Other bores: commercials for medications one doesn't need and can "result in death" for those who do; deceptive ads like the one in which V8 suggests drinking their salt-rich mixture is just like having fresh vegetables; and every car commercial (they're all the same) that plays loud rock music and shows happy purchasers driving the vehicle in a way that would never be allowed by law. Another big yuck goes to any commercial with a child whose face is smeared with food. I know it's supposed to be endearing; I find it gross.

What a great product line.

"Don't be afraid of the dark." is the line to introduce Reese's new dark chocolate candies. As a former copywriter, I know that's the kind of line one dreams about creating. Love, love, love the line, though I still prefer milk chocolate.

I don't get it.

I like Men's Wearhouse commercials. It's one of the few companies where the spokesperson-owner is really good. But I don't understand their new commercial at all, no matter how often I watch it. In it a young man steps into a surveillance van and asks if it's Men's Wearhouse. The occupants tell him the store is two blocks down the street and to get out of the van. What does this mean? Why would anyone mistake a van for a store? What am I missing?

Best friends.

I love the Beneful commercials. All of them. I think they perfectly capture the relationship between a nice guy and his nice dog. The closeness, the playfulness, the man's-best-friend aspect. I wish I could find a visual for my favorite in which a young man and his energetic dog are playing hide and seek with the dog's toy, Mr. Fuzzy. Not only do I think the commercials are great, but so is the product. I know when my dog was around, he loved every flavor of Beneful and I still have about 60 of those great multi-color lid containers to prove it. They're hard to throw away. This post is not chauvinistic. If there is a commercial with a woman and her dog, I haven't seen it.

Where did you find that syllable?

I noticed in the new Campbell's Kitchen commercials, they try to whet our appetite with the word "sizz-el-ing" when showing their product. Of course there is no three-syllable word sizzeling. The word has two syllables and it's sizzling. But I can't blame Campbells. This adding an extra syllable to dozens of words in commercials (and even the news) is epidemic. We are encouraged to enjoy gambeling, cuddeling and wresteling. We are told that diseases are crippeling and lots of new products are worth sampeling. I don't know if a memo went out telling everyone to add an extra syllable to a list of provided words, but I didn't get it. I still don't get it. But it seems to me that voice talents who are well-paid should know the language somewhat better than the rest of us. Or is that just me grumbelling?

Why not try a sex change?

Here's an interesting way to watch the endless commercials that bombard us on almost every channel we watch (Didn't we pay for TV to avoid commercials?). In advertisements that feature a man and a woman, see how they play if you reverse the sexes. It may surprise you. For instance, there is a commercial for a weed killer (Scotts?) in which the wife ridicules the husband for burning the grass along with the weeds. If it were the other way around, he would seem abusive and she would be on her way to a shelter. A past commercial I recall had a pretty girl flirting with a man in a bar. Once he buys her a beer, she gleefully abandons him and gives it to her boyfriend. Switch that around and the guy would come across as a real bastard doing the same thing to a trusting girl. Once you start looking at commercials this way you will see that the sexes are not equal at all.

More than The Sausage King.

While I can't say I was a huge Jimmy Dean fan and have all his albums (How many were there?) or a fridge full of his sausages, I liked him a lot. As a spokesperson he always seemed sincere, good-natured and completely natural. I don't know how many movies he made, but I sure thought he was perfect in Diamonds are Forever. You can't argue with the fact that he had a full life: singer, songwriter, businessman, talk show host, and a friend to the Muppets. But I guess most non-country fans will remember him only for Jimmy Dean sausages, an enterprise he sold to Consolidated Foods (Sara Lee) in 1984. Born on August 10, 1928, Jimmy Ray Dean died June 13, 2010. "Big Bad John" lives on.

Take two aspirin, and call me in the morning.

One of my least favorite companies is Bayer. Not only because so many of the products they make are, in essence, poison. But also because they seem to be leaders in the world of gouging consumers. Their Advantage flea and tic medication for instance is outrageously overpriced—unless I am wrong and its main ingredient is gold. But I also dislike them for the past advertising they did for their most well-known product: aspirin. In past commercials, they showed "real" people who had supposedly survived heart attacks with the help of Bayer aspirin. The suggestion was that Bayer was the only brand that could have prevented their demise. While many doctors recommend an aspirin regimen and tell us to take aspirin at the first sign of an attack, any brand will do. Since Bayer aspirin, like all its products, is costly. I suggest a generic bottle of a hundred for a tenth of the price. Lately I noticed they don't imply that their aspirin is the one true lifesaver, but I suspect that is less their doing than some truth-in-advertising authority. I also fault Bayer aspirin for having the stupidest slogan of all time, which I don't think they use any more, "The wonder drug that works wonders." Duh! What else would a wonder drug do?

I love you Betty, but...

Animal lover Betty White is the ideal spokesperson for PetMeds, but that doesn't make me like the company any better. Their commercials featuring Ms. White convinced me that their prices had to be lower than my local (and costly) pet stores But when I checked them out on the internet, I found their prices as high and, in some cases, higher than all three pet product chains in my area. Pet supplies in general are wildly overpriced (notably the ripoff price tag for Advantage) but we pay them because we love our animals. So you can be sure that all the companies and chains with the word Pet in their title are ready to take full advantage of me and the cat sleeping beside my keyboard.

A slice of non-reality.

In the popular "How gullible do you think we are?" category, Red Baron has a real winner. In their pan pizza commercial, drivers from all the major pizza providers have gathered at one house to savor the incredible flavor of Red Baron pan pizza. Well, if there's one thing we all know it's that store pizza is not as delicious as delivery pizza, no matter what they tell us. While I'm guessing that Red Baron makes a pretty good store pizza, I think they're stretching credulity to suggest that it's superior to not just one, but all, the delivery companies. I suppose we're not supposed to believe the premise of most commercials; They are there merely to arouse our interest in trying the products. But once you do, isn't there a part of you that resents the company that told you such an outlandish lie?

Where have all the ttttttttttts gone?

The letter t has long been missing from television news and entertainment shows. Almost everybody says innernet and innaview. The ocean seems to be the Atlannic, love stories are romannic and we all feel pity for the mennally ill. I don't why it's so difficult to include this letter since it makes the words much more euphonic, but apparently it's a strain. A major offender is almost every commercial for toothpaste or dental services. In promoting Act mouthwash, Christie Brinkley goes on step further and uses the word dinnel. I don't understand why dentists and manufacturers are so reluctant to give the correct name to their procedures or products (Would a heart surgeon say he's a cariologist?), but they do. The next time you see a commercial for toothpaste, mouthwash or some incredibly costly in-mouth reconstruction, see if I'm not right.

Flavor beyond your wildest dreams.

The new Kraft Mac and Cheese commercials, which pit the kids against parents, are amusing. But they interest me for another reason. They are among the many commercials that attempt to convince us that something tastes far, far better than it actually does. In the Kraft commercials the blindingly yellow budget elbows (spirals, etc.) are so incredibly delicious parents may even betray their children to appropriate their portion. We've all tasted Kraft Dinner. Let's be real. Other such commercials have consumers going into raptures from biting into chewing gum, nibbling on a cracker or drinking a diet soda. Do these unbelievably exaggerated commercials really work? I remember the old days when Kraft featured helpful step-by-step recipes using their products. I guess consumers no longer have an appetite for demonstrations.

Flavor beyond your wildest dreams.

While the new Kraft Mac and Cheese commercials (in which the kids versus the parents are amusing) I find them interesting for a different reason. They're an example of the many commercials that attempt to convince us that something tastes far better than it does. In the Kraft commercials, the blindingly yellow budget food is so delicious parents may even betray their children to steal their portions. We've all had Kraft Mac and Cheese. Let's be real. In many other commercials people are in equal raptures from chewing gum, biting into a cracker, or drinking a diet soda. Do these unbelievable commercials really work that well? I remember the long-ago days when Kraft commercials featured quiet demonstrations of really helpful recipes using their products. I guess commercials like that don't work anymore.

Rub a dub dub.

In the Cialis commercials I get the granite cliffs, the rushing waterfalls, the rigid banister, the sturdy redwoods, erect lamp posts, and the many, many, other hard columnar objects. They're not exactly subtle suggestions of virility. What I don't get is the double bathtub. What is it supposed to suggest? The getting antiseptic for a tryst? There's no fun in that. The ablutions after an hour (all right, half an hour) of passionate lovemaking? Nah, that's too neurotic. It must be something else. A popular expression like "I want to be in a tub next to you." No. There's no such saying. Do the two tubs represent breasts? testicles? Or is the answer what Freud supposedly said about a cigar, "Sometimes a tub is just a tub."

Chris, how could you?

In the television promo for his upcoming special The Rise of the New Right, Chris Matthews has done liberals a great disservice. The spot gives the Teaparty the opportunity to repeat its wacko comments dozens of times a day on MSNBC. Among them, "We want our government back,"and "The president is a liar." So, in essence, Chris has provided tons of free advertising for Teaparty sloganeering while including nothing that suggests they're as nuts as they are. With his crush on Sarah Palin and his recent attacks on Obama, one wonders where Matthews allegiences lie.

The Army Marches On

Kudos to the Salvation Army for their moving new commercial. Each of the persons reciting sections of Amazing Grace looks absolutely believeable, whether they're actors or not. I could watch this spot a hundred times and still be moved. The only public service commercial that I found even more gut-wrenching was also for the Salvation Army. Shown during the holiday season, it featured an older female volunteer beside those in need, incongruously ringing the Army's iconic bell in in such sad places as back alleys and on the roof of a flood-swamped home.

Kiss Me Kate

There are lots of beautiful women in commercials. But too often their beauty is skin deep. Not Kate Hodge. She's the knockout lady-in-white spokeswoman in Citracal® commercials. Her voice is one of the most mellifluous on the tube and her face reflects the kind of intelligence that would make you believe anything she told you. Every time I see her I wonder why she doesn't have a film career. It turns out she does. Hopefully we'll be seeing more of her on the big screen.

Hey, give me a brewsky!

The advertisers who seem to have the most contempt for their customers (and men in general) are beer companies. Many beer commercials seem to position men as sex-starved, breast-obsessed, juvenile, socially challenged, shallow and very fond of playing stupid pranks on, or ridiculing, each other. This seems to be true across the board with a few exceptions like Samuel Adams and Corona. I always wondered why so many brewers portray their customers as no more mature than 12-year olds. I think I know the answer: They are trying to reach 12-year olds. These commercials are talking over the shoulder of the customers they already have to the upcoming beer guzzlers of America. You know the kids who are sex-starved, breast-obsessed, juvenile, socially challenged, shallow and very fond of playing stupid pranks on, or ridiculing, each other.

Boy Men are Stupid.

Ever notice how stupid men are in many commercials? They have no common sense at all. Fortunately they have wise wives who can set them straight. Two of the many offending advertisers come to mind. One Fidelity green-line spot features the man who stupidly left his coat in his old office. Another has a husband who asks his wife if the green line will lead to a good cheeseburger. Food seems to addle men's brains. Like the guy who tries to convince his wife that the pizza delivery man made a mess of the carpet (in commercials men are also slobs) then mistakingly leaves the DiGiorno box in the kitchen. Of course, while men are usually the dolts, some commercials make the woman the dummy, though not as many. A Xerox commercial has the staff gathered in the boardroom. The boss threatens to keep them there till they find a way so save money. A woman asks the wise male coworker, "Can they really keep us here?" Duh.

A bastard and valuable Ally.

Whoever the actor is who torments the trusting children on the Ally commercials is worth every penny they pay him. He's probably a super nice guy and a great dad, but who could believe that when he is so perfect as the suit who is so eager to deny children such joys as ice cream, a pony, and riding a bicycle? Love it every time he winks and says, "Egg management fee."

Brilliant or challenged?

In a new commercial for Chase credit cards, two friends try to outpurchase each other to gain bonus points. I am assuming that using the new Chase system is a smart thing to use. Then why is the background music "Dueling Banjos" from Deliverance? This music is associated with being—sorry, this is not PC—retarded or at least too closely related. Seems to me Chase is sending a mixed message with these two guys. They say they're brothers. They seem a lot more like cousins.